Monday, January 26, 2015

Letting Go

I'm trying to teach myself to let go.

I'm the kind of person who needs to control things. I would never think to describe myself as a control freak if asked to describe five traits about myself or something, but I totally am. I hate it when people do things differently than I would when I can easily just tell them to do it my way. I hate being responsible for things that aren't 100% directly under my control. It stresses me out so much and it's so annoying, but I have a super hard time turning off that compulsion.

Well, I'm trying to let go. I realized that I've gotten to the point where I'm driving myself crazy stressing over things that I can't fully control. I agonize over things I can't fix, things that aren't my responsibility. It's to the point where my whole life is affected by stuff that I frankly do not need to be stressing over. And I finally realized that I don't need to let the anxiety overwhelm me. What I need is to let go.

It's hard, but I've been trying to remind myself that there is only so much I can do sometimes. There are only so many things within my power. When shit goes wrong and I've done everything I could have done with my knowledge and skill set, I can't beat myself up. I did all I could to the best of my ability. The weight of the world doesn't need to rest on my shoulders, even if I feel like it should.

Meanwhile I'm getting anxiety because my friends aren't playing BioWare games right.

Ugh. Letting go is hard.

In other news, I went to a cat show yesterday! It was just as ridiculous as it sounds, yet super fun? I'm not a cat person but I loved seeing all the cool breeds! I never knew there was such variation in cat breeds, it was like a magical cat zoo. And afterwards I took an amazing nap, so it was a winner of a Sunday.

Life update: complete!

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Holy Shit XBOX ONE

I did it. I broke down and bought an Xbox One. I made that last post on Thursday and the VERY NEXT DAY the One went back on sale to $350, which I obviously took as a sign! So right after work I drove to Target and picked up the Xbox and another copy of DA:I, and holy fuck you guys.

Holy fuck.

It's, not even exaggerating, like playing a completely new game. I mean, I knew it was going to look better, and maybe have a few more trees at Skyhold, but oh my god did I not know the full extent to which DA:I on the 360 fucking sucks.

I just. There are so many more trees. Trees everywhere! In the Hinterlands, I barely even recognized where I was and I've spent hours questing in that godforsaken zone. There were trees and vines and flowers and grass where there were none before. Light filtering through trees. Motes of dust drifting through that light! Tents flapping in the breeze, actual NPCs in towns and camps (not just the one requisitions officer and like, one other person). My coat blowing in the wind. My companions' coats blowing in the wind. EVERYTHING blowing in the wind!!

I've only been to one zone and I'm completely blown away. This is 100% worth the money. I cried the first time I saw Cassandra. I cried in the Hinterlands and Val Royeaux. I can't believe how beautiful this fucking game is! How are games this incredibly detailed? How are they this gorgeous? I feel like I've been playing this game blind and now I can finally see!! It's incredible!

So, conclusion: buying the Xbox One? Best investment of my entire life. Y'know, after that whole grad school in London thing.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

First World Problems

My feels.
Okay but... why am I so tired this week?

Seriously. It's out of control how tired I am this week. Usually I can easily make it to bedtime at 10:00, but this week I've been draaagging. Work has gotten a little more stressful than it used to be, which is probably draining me a bit. I don't know?? Am I dying maybe? Or just getting old?

I really don't have anything interesting to say but I felt bad not blogging so here I am. The only real happenings in my life are all video game related, which... nobody cares about! And if you do care, please go to my twitter because it's all I ever talk about there.

Speaking of video games, payday is today and I've been good about not spending much money lately, so I have a bit extra to spare... plus we got little Christmas bonuses at work and Shaun just sent me some money for our plane tickets to LA (!!!!!), and I just made a big ol' payment on my credit card bill so I could pretty comfortably afford an Xbox One right now? Only... I'm super torn about whether I should do it? I mean, I know I am going to be needing one eventually, as all the new games coming out will be too graphics-heavy for poor ol' 360. The only reason I'd buy it now is to play DA:I. But I'm already like 70+ hours into my second playthrough of DA:I. Will it hold my interest enough to play the whole game again? And yeah I'd have to buy the game again so I'd have two bloody copies of it (although I'd likely trade in the 360 copy or something). The more I write about this the more ridiculous it seems!! But... but my Skyhold doesn't even have trees or grass because the 360 can't handle rendering all that detail! It's a goddamn tragedy, I tell you.

Maybe I'll finish my current playthrough and see how I feel at the end of it. It's possible I'll be so bored of the game by then that I'll want nothing to do with it (HAHAHAHAAAhahaaa). Plus I need a new iPhone as well. Life is hard, let me complain about the most first world of first world problems, please.

Wow, I really did have something to write about! Something completely stupid! What do you guys think, though? Xbox One now, or later? Or should I just save my money like a good little adult?

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Accidental Resolutions

I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions. Mostly because if I want to change something in my life I'm going to do it whenever I feel like it and not just at the start of a new year. There's also the fact that I usually fail at things unless I really really want them, and making a change just because it's a new year isn't enough to motivate me to succeed. That said, I accidentally kind of ended up making some unofficial resolutions for 2015 anyway?

Unofficial accidental resolution #1: Lose weight. Yeah yeah yeah this is everyone's resolution every year. So unoriginal!! I'm sorry! Mainly I'm being motivated by Shaun's and my trip to LA in February (to see Stacey!!!) and my intense fear of being barelegged, so the hope is that if I end up having to wear ~summer clothes~ in LA, at least I won't loathe myself too much? Ugh. Being a woman is neat. *comfort eats carrots while weeping gently and watching Friends*

Unofficial accidental resolution #2: Take care of my goddamn skin. Like, guys. I had these weird dried out scaly spots on my face and I didn't know what they were, but then I stopped washing my face with BAR SOAP and guess what?? They went away! Good god, you guys, I had been washing my face EVERY DAY WITH BAR SOAP. Why was that happening? How did I think my skin would be okay with that? I have dry-ish skin anyway so my poor face was freaking the fuck out. So I started using a different cleanser that's actually meant for faces and began moisturizing my face every night, and BOOM. My skin is already a thousand times better! That'll learn me. I also started using an anti-acne product so I can stop breaking out like a fucking teenager all the time. I suck at taking care of myself guys!

Unofficial accidental resolution #3: Do a completionist playthrough of DA:I. I already mentioned this in another post, so I'll keep it brief, but you guys. I'm discovering so many cool things in the game this time around that I totally missed last time! Like, SO MANY THINGS. This happens every time I play a BioWare game so I should just get used to it, but wow. I'm loving it even more this time because I don't feel like I'm flying blind. And there are actually guides out there now, whereas the first time around everyone was figuring it out together so I couldn't just google "wine cellar skyhold where???" and get the location of the Skyhold wine cellar. Although now I don't need that anyway because I have Stacey.

Welp, those are my kind of resolutions or whatever! 2015 is being pretty good to me so far! Do you guys do resolutions? What are they?

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Best Saturday

Today has been the best Saturday.

Earlier this week I was feeling really sad and empty and I was terrified that depression had come back in full force, but instead I'm pretty sure I was just PMSing. Although I always say that and am never sure, because with my IUD I never have any clue when I'm supposedly on my period, but I feel a billion times better today than I did a few days ago. So yay! Also I slept for 14 hours last night so maybe that's part of it.

Regardless, today has been the best. I woke up at noon and made pancakes, touched up my roots (which I had let grow in way too much), went grocery shopping, and promptly read this fucking beautiful work of fiction, which has ruined my entire life. It's Cullen/female Trevelyan, so if that's your bag... read it. That's an order.

Like I said, best Saturday.

Now I'm going to eat some Amy's frozen pizza and gaze wistfully into the middle distance.

And by that I mean I'm going to play DA:I and kiss Cullen 500 times in a row.


Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Writing Insecurities

So I just got back from writing group. And because I've been on a diet and am a lightweight anyway, I'm a little bit happy and a lot bit introspective, and thoughts are flying around in my head.

Mainly though, what the fuck is going on with my novel? Can I just throw that question out there, where nobody has the knowledge or power to answer it? Because I sure as hell don't know. I wrote like... half a page a couple weeks ago. That's it. Nothing else in probably over a year. This is the thing I want to do with my life, and yet I can't even manage to work on it even once a week? Why? What is happening? What's wrong with me?

Okay let me be fair to myself. I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I have gotten so much positive, constructive, and negative-but-constructive feedback on my novel from writing group that I have pages upon pages of notes of things that need to be rewritten or deleted or expanded upon or whatever. And I look at those pages and I look at my novel and I go, fuck. Where the hell do I even begin?

And then I wonder, of course, is it even worth putting more effort into this thing. Is this book worth the time? Will it ever be at a place where I can feel proud? Where it could get published? A big part of me says no. No, it never will be. You've never done it before, why should you do so now? Why should you succeed now when every other time you've tried you've gotten it wrong somehow?

I just don't even know if my book is all that good, at its heart. My mom loves it, but of course she does. And yeah, maybe the writing is good. Maybe the dialogue is so snappy or whatever. But that's not a novel. Y'know? And everyone else in writing group seems to have such a solid grasp on what makes a good plot, or character arc, or dramatic tension. And I feel like I come at my novel completely blind, like I'm just throwing random shit at the wall and seeing what sticks, with no understanding of character motivation or dramatic tension or anything. My brain just gets stuck on the details and I don't know how to look at the bigger picture. Will I ever be able to? Am I just deficient?

What am I even doing? Should I be writing something new? Sucking it up and trying to edit this book and see what happens? I can't decide and I'm discouraged and unmotivated and I don't know how to proceed.

Writing is really hard. Like, really hard. And the hardest part is battling the self-criticism and negativity I pile upon myself until I'm buried. I just wish I knew how to be confident in my work and create something that I know 100% is worth my time.

Monday, January 5, 2015

DA:I Round Two (and Lyall's Butt)

So I've been playing Dragon Age: Inquisition for the second time, and am discovering a lot of fun new things this time around. Mostly it's quests that I never did, because I got super impatient the first time through and just wanted to find out what happened in the story. This playthrough I'm taking my time though, doing as many quests in each zone as I can (unless they're too hard for my current level -- Emerald Graves, I'm looking at your fade rifts), killing all the dragons, and completing everybody's loyalty quests. 

I thought it might get boring doing all this stuff when I know what will happen at the end of the game, but it's actually been really rewarding and satisfying! It's a completely different experience from the first game because I'm going about it differently. I'm also playing a warrior, which is usually not my first class choice but I'm loving being a two-handed reaver.

And yeah, yeah -- I know, I didn't do all the loyalty quests the first time through. That is because I hate Solas and was creeped out by Cole, so I ignored them. I don't know why, because it's even better when you talk to Solas and can disagree wholeheartedly, and his disapproval is a beautiful thing. And Cole now kind of... seems sweet to me? I dunno man, I'm having a totally different experience altogether and I kind of love it!

Plus dragon slaying. I don't know what the hell possessed me to not kill a single dragon my first playthrough? Admittedly they're huge and breathe fire and ice and can one-shot you if you're too low level and the fights last for ages, but oh man when you finally take down your first dragon. SO SATISFYING. And I get really freaked out while fighting so it's a major adrenaline rush, and then all that loot and Iron Bull yelling about how badass we all are! It's so great! I'm going to kill all of the dragons.

So yes, I spent much of today playing DA:I because Lyall (my dog) was in pain (or seemed to be in pain??) in his butt region this morning and I was really worried his anal gland had ruptured again, so I stayed home to keep an eye on him. Of course it turns out he was fine and who knows why he was yelping and licking his butt earlier. Sigh. He's the dog who cried wolf, only he doesn't know not to cry wolf and is not intelligent enough for me to teach him otherwise, so I have to assume he's dying or something every time he acts like this. What a jerk!

And now I'm gonna pretend to get ready for bed and probably just sit on tumblr for the next hour.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Grumpy Hermit Mode

I'm usually pretty comfortable in my introverted nature. I enjoy spending time alone, and I'm usually at my happiest when I have the whole house to myself, my music is on, and I can dance around and cook and get shit done without fear of having to interact with another human. And I'm fine with that aspect of myself. I like that aspect of myself! But sometimes, when I've been around other people for too long or when there have been a series of house guests staying here for weeks, I get really really run down. And that's frustrating.

My mom came to visit for Christmas, which was super fun and I had a wonderful time, and I'm so glad she made it down here for the holiday. But it's a week later and I still feel depleted. I've only done one social thing since she left, and it was just drinks with my besties at a super cool bar I love, but man I cannot get my energy back for shit right now! Louise has a house guest here, which is probably contributing -- just having someone in the house I'm not used to puts me in a heightened state of like... social preparedness? Which sounds insane but IT'S TRUE, I can't help it. And I realize it's my thing and nobody else should be expected to cater to me at all. I just feel bad when I back out of social engagements because I'm too low-energy from being around people too much.

I'm learning to say "no" more often, though, which is important. I've done that whole thing where I force myself to attend tons of social things in a row when I don't really want to, and I'm always just miserable the whole time, wishing I was at home alone. So I'm learning to identify when I'm in hermit mode and shouldn't go out, for my own good as well as everyone else's. Nobody wants to hang out with a grumpy hermit Meg, let me tell you. It ain't fun.

So today I was supposed to go hang out with my besties (Rose/Georgia/Megan), and I love them and they know that, but I decided to stay in and get some shit done. I felt terrible about it, but I just woke up knowing I couldn't deal with human interaction today. Maybe it's the holidays or something, but I've been extra hermity lately.

I just feel bad because I worry people think I don't like them, or that they are the cause of my grumpiness when they're not? I'm just super introverted and lame? Usually it's not an issue but today I feel really guilty and stupid about it so I'm babbling on my blog. I hope other introverts can relate. I'm sure you can? Ugh, hermit life. So hard sometimes.

Friday, January 2, 2015


This isn't going to be the kind of blog post where I have photos and neatly ordered ideas all sectioned out nicely. I don't have the energy. And I rarely have the energy, which is why I've sort of stopped blogging recently. So from now on I think I'm going to try to blog more. But it won't be to attract followers or attention, it'll just be me writing. So if nobody but my mom and my best friends read it from now on, that's okay. I just feel like I need to write.

I wanted to do a sort of 2014 in review post, but realized that the only real noteworthy things I did was go to various comic cons and visit family in Montana and Texas. Which isn't that interesting except to me? So I didn't. And then I thought maybe I hadn't really done anything in 2014. You know, anything meaningful or noteworthy.

I'm so used to change. Major change. Since I was 23 I've experienced a major change in my life pretty much yearly. In 2009 I graduated from college and got my first full-time job. In 2010 I packed up everything I owned and moved to Portland with my boyfriend. In 2011 I moved to London to pursue an MA in creative writing, and in 2012 I returned to my boyfriend in Salt Lake City. In 2013 I realized how deeply, overwhelmingly unhappy I was and I got out. I went back to Portland, the one place that still felt like home, and I started building a life again.

And here I am. It's been over a year since I moved back, and I'm happy again. Really, stupidly happy. Maybe not many things have ~happened~ this year, but what really stands out to me about 2014 is the people. I met and got to know some wonderful, genuine, truly inspiring people.

In 2014 Leila moved to Portland, and I got to reconnect with her, which has been really awesome. She's such a fun person and she inspires me so goddamn much. If I had to name one person whose fault it was that I fell in love with comics, it would be her. She's such a positive, fun person and I can't wait to get to know her even better in 2015.

In 2014 I met Sam. On instagram? I'm pretty sure we met on instagram, which is kind of amazing. The great thing about Sam is that she's so open and funny and welcoming. From the second I started talking to her I felt like we'd known each other for years. We have so much in common, but even though she's far away in Canada, I can tell she's just a really good, genuine person. Fangirling with her over Dragon Age was one of the highlights of 2014, and I'm pretty certain that our Stargate bro tattoo adventure at Emerald City Comicon is going to be a highlight of 2015.

In 2014 I met Stacey, who knows exactly how I feel about her. I fucking love Stacey. I miss her so much and I've never met her. She means the entire world to me.

In 2014 I bonded with Georgia while making a cake for Megan's birthday, from scratch, for six hours. I hadn't known her for very long but because Rose loved her, I loved her. And out of that love was born the girl crew, my best friends, the sisters I never had. I love them so much. When I'm with them I feel completely safe, and utterly myself. From my devastating breakup to my rebounds to my stupid ongoing obsession with video games, they've been supportive and loyal and so much fucking fun. I'm endlessly grateful for them. Probably more than I can ever express adequately.

I just have a lot of love for the people in my life. Even if you're not mentioned here, know that if we have interacted, if we've laughed together or worked or had any kind of connection, I'm grateful for that. I'm so happy that I'm surrounded by good people. Thank you.

2014, you were a rad year. 2015, come at me bro!!