#yolo

It's difficult starting a blog post without saying something to the effect of, "My life sucks and I am sad." But that's to be expected, I guess, so I shouldn't feel bad. It's the truth. The truth subjectively, anyway. If that's possible.

Life doesn't really, truly suck. It does sometimes, late at night when I'm lonely and tired and feeling particularly broken-hearted. But other times it's wonderful, like when I'm on a ferry with Lily and the wind is buffeting our hair into our faces and there are orcas near the shoreline. Or when I'm laughing with Rose at Saturday Market, eating too much kettle corn and people-watching. And, of course, when I'm sitting in Ashleigh's kitchen with her and Megan, drinking wine and sake and eating Doritos. I'll be honest, a lot of the good times have involved food and/or drink, which is apt, considering I'm a huge comfort eater. And there are moments when I walk through Northeast Portland and breathe the cool, damp air and remember that I'm in my favorite city in the world, and I never have to leave if I don't want to.

And of course there are entire days when I feel so depressed I don't want to get out of bed, so I don't. There's the fact that I'm steadily and quickly running out of money, I'm jobless and carless, and terrified that I won't be able to find work and an apartment and make a life here for myself. I'm so lonely sometimes. And I miss Greg every day.

But when I feel overwhelmed by all of those negative thoughts, I remind myself why I'm here, and why that other life wasn't good or happy or right. I know that I'm doing what I have to do. Now I can live the life I want, 100%, all for myself, and that comforts me. Because #yolo.