I'm not sure how many times I can say it before it becomes completely annoying and even nonsensical, but. I'm gonna say it again. I am so glad I'm back in Portland. So. Fucking. Glad.
Sometimes I think about the alternate universe that split off from this one when I decided to break up with Greg and leave Utah behind. There's a Meg living in that universe, still in Utah, probably still unhappy and lost and alone and wondering if things are ever going to get better. She may be more comfortable than I am at present -- both financially, emotionally, and psychologically -- but I would never trade my universe for hers. Not for anything.
There are moments when I'm brought vividly back to what my headspace was like in Utah. Thinking I would never, ever again get to live in Portland. That I'd never live in the same city as my best friends again. That I'd never get to feel quite as at home as I do in Portland. And then I come back to the present, and here I am, back home, and it feels so incredibly good. Every day after work when I come through that tunnel and see downtown all lit up, I am so goddamn grateful. And driving to work, I look at the big, ridiculous Portland, Oregon sign facing the Burnside bridge and I feel more excited about life than I ever did in Utah.
Yeah, there have been a lot of shit moments in the past two months. Countless ones. I cry all the time, I feel lonely and sad and anxious at least once every day. But I'm experiencing life, not just letting it happen around me, and that is infinitely better than settling into a rut. I remind myself every day that the rest of my life is what I make of it, that I'm in my favorite city in the world, and that no matter what happens, I am living.
And shit, I get to meet good friends for Thai after work and drive through the rain and read fanfic as much as I want and make plans to see Thor: The Dark World with the people I love most in the world. If that isn't something to be grateful for, I don't know what is.
I'm so, so fucking grateful. For everything.