Writing Insecurities

So I just got back from writing group. And because I've been on a diet and am a lightweight anyway, I'm a little bit happy and a lot bit introspective, and thoughts are flying around in my head.

Mainly though, what the fuck is going on with my novel? Can I just throw that question out there, where nobody has the knowledge or power to answer it? Because I sure as hell don't know. I wrote like... half a page a couple weeks ago. That's it. Nothing else in probably over a year. This is the thing I want to do with my life, and yet I can't even manage to work on it even once a week? Why? What is happening? What's wrong with me?

Okay let me be fair to myself. I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I have gotten so much positive, constructive, and negative-but-constructive feedback on my novel from writing group that I have pages upon pages of notes of things that need to be rewritten or deleted or expanded upon or whatever. And I look at those pages and I look at my novel and I go, fuck. Where the hell do I even begin?

And then I wonder, of course, is it even worth putting more effort into this thing. Is this book worth the time? Will it ever be at a place where I can feel proud? Where it could get published? A big part of me says no. No, it never will be. You've never done it before, why should you do so now? Why should you succeed now when every other time you've tried you've gotten it wrong somehow?

I just don't even know if my book is all that good, at its heart. My mom loves it, but of course she does. And yeah, maybe the writing is good. Maybe the dialogue is so snappy or whatever. But that's not a novel. Y'know? And everyone else in writing group seems to have such a solid grasp on what makes a good plot, or character arc, or dramatic tension. And I feel like I come at my novel completely blind, like I'm just throwing random shit at the wall and seeing what sticks, with no understanding of character motivation or dramatic tension or anything. My brain just gets stuck on the details and I don't know how to look at the bigger picture. Will I ever be able to? Am I just deficient?

What am I even doing? Should I be writing something new? Sucking it up and trying to edit this book and see what happens? I can't decide and I'm discouraged and unmotivated and I don't know how to proceed.

Writing is really hard. Like, really hard. And the hardest part is battling the self-criticism and negativity I pile upon myself until I'm buried. I just wish I knew how to be confident in my work and create something that I know 100% is worth my time.

Things I've Learned About Publishing

Hey guys, Meg here! I'm blogging to tell you about a few things I've learned in the past year or so while writing, editing, and trying to publish a novel. I found them eye-opening, and maybe you will too! Or maybe not. In that case, I'm sorry this post is so boring for you.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED ABOUT PUBLISHING I GUESS

1. Everything is SUBJECTIVE. 

Okay not literally everything; if you spell words in your manuscript wrong, then you've spelled them wrong no matter who reads it. But it is so important to remember that one person may read your manuscript and absolutely love it, while somebody else may read the very same manuscript and think it's drivel. That's how it goes. For my Masters dissertation, I got an A from one grader and a C from another. They agreed on a B (to Matt's chagrin; thank you Matt!). And then a third grader gave me an A. On the same manuscript.

When it comes to creative things like novel writing, there is no "right" way to do it. Whether or not somebody likes your book is based completely on their own taste. If an agent rejects you (I remind myself regularly), it doesn't necessarily mean that your manuscript is bad. It just means that a) it's not to their taste, b) they didn't fall in love with it enough, c) it doesn't fit anywhere in their list, d) they loved it but already represent a similar book, e) they were in a bad mood that day. Or something else entirely! I have to constantly tell myself that there will be an agent out there who loves my book, I just haven't found her yet. Keep on trucking.

2. Commercial fiction is not literary fiction.

This is important to remember! Especially if you've taken college courses in creative writing, or attended writing workshops. For the most part (well, based on my experience), these are geared towards literary writers. Which to me means boring writers, but in reality means "not genre." What is genre fiction, you ask? Basically all the fun books: Sci fi, fantasy, YA, crime, mystery, romance, etc. Literary writers tend to be more like poets, I find. They focus on the words themselves, crafting perfect sentences, creating beautiful imagery in unique and beautiful ways. Genre writers tend to worry more about plot, characterization, and plot. Plot is important. The writing itself is important, but it's not the same sort of writing that literary people write. You can say "she laughed," "she grimaced," or "he sighed" a whole bunch in your book if you want! You can sell that book, and people will like it! You don't need to hang on your creative writing professor's every word if she's a literary person, and you're a genre person. Realize that you must learn the rules, but you can discard the ones that don't apply to you.

Also, and I learned this the hard way, if you're a genre writer and you take a creative writing course or do a workshop... they might not take you seriously. Which is horrible, and old-fashioned and prejudiced and total bullshit, but it happens! I was told by one of my undergrad workshop profs that I straight-up should not try to get a Masters in creative writing, because people at the graduate level wouldn't take my fantasy writing seriously. Well guess who got a Masters in creative writing, asshole! Don't listen to the negative people, you guys. You just have to find the right environment and the right group of people, and you'll flourish. But beware, there are workshops and programs out there that will treat you as a second-class citizen if you come in brandishing your sci fi/fantasy short stories. As soon as people in one of my workshops found out I wrote fantasy, they started making bad jokes about dragons every day in class. Just a warning.

3. It's okay to write commercial fiction.

It is! I think a lot of people don't regard commercial writers as ~real writers~, but those people are douchenoggins. Also they don't sell as many books. Why? Because commercial writers... wait for it... are more commercial. People buy genre books, and chick lit, and commercial fiction. You can make a living writing commercially. Which is why it's called that! And that is totally okay. If you want to write a beautiful work of art, that's amazing and you should go for it. But if you want to write a fun, tightly-plotted book that will sell, go ahead and do that instead. It's okay!

4. You don't have the be a unique and beautiful snowflake.

I mean, obviously your book should stand on its own legs, and not be a complete rip-off of somebody else's work. However -- and here's something that still baffles me a bit -- it's okay to write something that's super similar to another thing that's out there. I mean, how many books are there about a young dude who goes on a quest to find or destroy some magical item? LIKE A BILLION. And how many books are there about a teenage girl who falls in love with a supernatural hottie? LIKE A BILLION. And they all sell! People like reading books that remind them of books they've already read. I know I do! More babely steampunk werewolves, please!

Agents even like this. I see agents tweeting all the time asking for submissions that remind them of a movie they just watched, or a book they just read and loved. Obviously you don't want to write that very same book or movie with only the names changed, but it's okay to be slightly derivative. Look at the steampunk craze that's happening. They all have automatons and airships and girls in corsets firing pistols at mad scientists, but it's okay! Because steampunk is selling, and agents want to represent books that will sell, so a lot of these books resemble each other closely.

Maybe some people think that's stupid and bad, but I think it's awesome, because it doesn't make me freak out and bash my head repeatedly against the wall trying to come up with a completely and utterly new concept that nobody has ever thought of before in the history of the world. I mean if you dissect the book I'm writing now, it's basically The Affair of the Necklace meets steampunk meets Star Wars meets a tiny bit o' Jane Austen. Which is kind of a weird combo. It's actually so weird I'm worried it won't sell. But who knows? Everything is subjective!

Journey to Publication! Part 4: Moving On

Hello all, I know it's been a while since I did one of these posts! I felt it wasn't quite right, as nothing was really happening on that front. I'd been sending out regular batches of queries up until a couple weeks ago, but it started to feel... not right. There are 4 agents right now who've requested to read material, one of them the full manuscript, and that's wonderful. I am still hoping for a positive reply or two... but I'm not focusing on it. I'm moving on. I'm not giving up, but I'm focusing my energy elsewhere.

And here's why. I was starting to look at things the wrong way. As a writer I should be writing, and instead I was sending out queries one day a week, and spending the rest of my week refreshing my email in the hope that I'd hear back from an agent. The rejections became easier and easier, until I got to the point where a form rejection of my query didn't bother me at all. I recently received a pass from an agent after reading the first 50 pages of my novel, and it sucked, but it didn't suck for very long and it was fine. So my skin got thicker. But I was still focusing on it, and every time I didn't get an offer of representation, I felt just a little more like I wasn't doing the right thing.

Here's the thing. I love my novel. I think it's great. If I didn't, I wouldn't be sending queries to agents, would I? I do think it has a place in the market right now, and I think it has an audience. But I'm not sure it's exactly where it needs to be yet.

I know this is the novel I wanted to write. The characters, the story, some of the silly moments that I put there just for me... it's exactly how I want it, for now. I'm so proud of myself for writing it. But I don't know if it's ready, or if it's 100% the best it can be. And I'm not at the point right now where I can focus on that, because I'm actually starting to go mad thinking about it, and there is only so much feedback you can hear, so much differing and contradictory feedback, before you start questioning everything.

So I'm taking a break from sending queries. I'm not giving up by any means. I believe in my novel, and I believe it can get published, but I'm not in the right headspace right now to be putting all my energy toward that. I need to be writing, and improving, and learning. And above all, having fun. Because that's why I love to write after all -- it's fun. I love it! And the situation with my novel, where I wasn't writing but just sitting and waiting... wasn't fun at all. It was driving me fucking bonkers.

I had a talk with Greg the other night. He basically told me, Meg, what the fuck are you doing? You love to write. I have a good job and I pay for the great majority of things and you only work part time so you can write. Why aren't you writing? And I thought, why aren't I writing? So I made a lot of excuses, and I cried, but Greg was having none of it. "Just suck it up and write."

Then something clicked. It always has to click with me or I won't do it, I won't listen to advice, I won't make a change unless something clicks. And it did. I realized, not that I should be writing, but I want to be writing. I want to be creating and doing the thing that makes me happiest. I don't want to be sitting and waiting and focusing on trying to sell the book I'd already written. I can do that on the side, or in the meantime, or I can do it later. But right now I have to write.

So I'm writing! I'm working on the outline for a new novel, and while it's set in a different world and there are different characters and a different setting, it's very similar in tone. It's a little bit Steampunk meets Indiana Jones meets Jane Austen, and I hope in a good way. I've no idea if it can sell, but I don't care at this point. I know I'm going to have a ton of fun writing it, and really that's the only thing I want to focus on right now.

Journey to Publication! Part 2: Weeping and Waiting

When I spoke with you last, I had just received my first "form rejection" from a literary agent. If you're not quite up to speed, I've written a novel and am now slogging through the soul-crushing vortex of pain that is querying agents. Since last time, there have been a few minor developments.

Firstly let me say: when people tell you that trying to get published is a nooollercoaster ride of emotion, usually complete with visits to Vomcano Village on a regular basis, believe them. It is true. Only days ago I was on a high, feeling pret-ty damn good about myself for getting a request for my full manuscript, and a request for my partial manuscript, in the space of a week. I'd heard back from four agents at that point, and two of them seemed interested in my novel. I felt like kind of a big deal.

And then I got an email from the agent to whom Matt referred me. She said she was glad to have been able to read my novel, that I'd likely have success with it, but that it was "a bit too commercial" for her. Which, fair enough. I wrote it to be commercial. And not everyone is into that, nor do all agents represent that, nor did I really think my book would be a good fit for her. So I wasn't particularly disappointed, and focused instead on the kind words that she offered in regards to my manuscript. I was like, "Well yay! An agent read my whole book and didn't think it was akin to rotting offal. This is good. I can do this."

Still feeling quite optimistic, I checked my email this morning and saw that I'd received an email from the agent who'd requested the first 50 pages of my manuscript. Stomach in my throat, I read it... and my stomach plummeted into the bowel region. She said that I was a strong writer, but that my story didn't "enrapture" her the way that she'd hoped.

My story didn't enrapture her.

It didn't enrapture her.

My first and only thought process upon reading these words: OH MY GOD MY NOVEL IS BORING. It is the most boring piece of writing ever conceived on this earth. What have I done.

And you know... I haven't quite gotten over this little speedbump of emo. Not yet. I'm still of the mind that... maybe my novel sucks? Yes, I've had friends and family who've read it and enjoyed it. That is true. But I wonder how much of that enjoyment stems from the fact that they know and love me? Probably a significant amount. Would they love my book if they randomly bought it at Barnes & Noble? Maybe. I'm not sure. There are several people who asked to read my manuscript, maybe a couple months ago now, and as far as I'm aware never finished it. I mean yes, it was not the finished draft and maybe it was too rough for them to get into it. And yes, people have lives, and it takes time to read a novel, and they are likely very busy. Or maybe they just forgot.

But, well... I've clung to this fact, the fact that some of my friends and family have not finished my manuscript... and used it as proof to myself that I've written a boring, forgettable, non-enrapturing novel. I can't shake this feeling. And it's really really pissing me off.

I'm still waiting to hear back from several agents I queried a couple weeks ago, as well as the agent who requested my full manuscript. But I don't have high hopes. My query letter may be good, but does my manuscript live up to it? Am I letting everyone down? Did I write my novel all wrong? I'm paranoid and insecure and it sucks, but it's happening nonetheless.

All I can do now, other than eat copious amounts of chocolate and numb my pain with episodes of TNG, is wait. And have a cheeky weep. And wait some more. And then... a cheeky chunder.

Writing is hard. Trying to get published is even worse. Until next time!

SLC Writers Group

My ~Writing Station~ aka bed.

Last night, as I mentioned in yesterday's blog post, I went to the SLC Writers Group for the first time. I've been craving some in-person writerly discussions and workshopping lately, not to mention straight up old-fashioned social activities, so I forced myself to go. I'd been eyeing the group for a while on facebook, but finally decided that last night was the night.

I was so, so nervous beforehand. I was pacing the house and clutching at my knotted stomach, gurning and wailing. But I kept telling myself: if I can move to London on my own and give my writing to a bunch of strange Brits to read and critique, I can probably drag myself across town and sit in a coffee shop for a couple hours with new people. So I did. I got lost twice on the way there, but I found it at last, and I'm so glad I did! It was exactly what I needed.

Have any of you attended or taken part in a writing workshop? If so, then you know basically how this went. Everyone went around and talked about the pieces they'd read from the previous meeting -- what they liked, what didn't work, and what the author could do to fix it. I just sat there and listened, as I hadn't read any of the pieces they were workshopping, but it was great to see how they worked as a group. I was actually a bit surprised and really happy to see how serious everyone was about it, despite the friendly, casual atmosphere. Tangents happened, and people went off topic regularly, but it always came back to the writing. Everyone's feedback seemed to be thoughtful and detailed. These were writers, and they knew what they were talking about. I had no idea what to expect, really, so it was wonderful to find that I could get a lot of writerly help from this group! Plus it seems like it'll be a lot of fun.

I'm really disappointed because we're going to be out of town for the next two meetings, so I won't be able to share my feedback or bring in my own writing or read more of the group's pieces. Gutted! I will be attending this week's write-in, however, which should be cool -- they meet every week at a cafe just to write. Which seems like a pretty awesome idea to me, and I'm looking forward to it!

I'm just so happy to have found a group of people who seem like they're a lot of fun, but are also ready to buckle down and get some serious writing and critiquing done. This is exactly what I needed! I could spend my whole life just hanging out with writers and talking about writing and and and... I am gonna go write now.

A Fantasy Writer's Rant

Random pic of some of our books, because I couldn't find a more relevant photo for this post.

So you're all probably at least vaguely aware that I'm a writer, and I've written the first draft and most of the second draft of a novel, and that I wrote it for my MA program which was in London, and that I've been banging on about my dissertation results on social media for a couple weeks now. Well. At last, at long last, the results arrived last Friday. I was so excited upon finding it all mangled in the mailbox that I ran up the 3 flights of stairs to our apartment and yelled at my mom and Greg to Pay Attention while I opened it and read the results.

And then.

Well.

Let's just say the results weren't exactly what I wanted. They weren't even what I expected. They were worse. And I, the horrible drama queen that I am, ran into the bedroom and laid prone on the bed, the manuscript tucked under me, and tried not to cry. Then Greg came in and poked me or said "calm the hell down" or something like that, and I proceeded to throw my hat, my glasses, my phone, and the manuscript itself violently across the room while screaming that I may as well give up and that I was a horrible writer and that everyone else got an A* and I hated everything and wanted to die.

I overreact to things. On a regular basis. I really shouldn't have this time, as I got a B overall. A B really isn't that bad? I think? And Matt, my tutor, said nice things but was pretty clear that my novel needs to go through at least another draft before it's ready for publishing. He did say it could find a publisher, though, and that a lot of my writing was remarkable for an MA student. So thanks, Matt!

However. My second marker, who I shall call simply "B" did not quite agree with Matt. In fact she disagreed with him. Very markedly. She gave me a C overall, and said basically that she expected more from an MA student, and that if my style of writing was typical of the fantasy or YA genre, that this was a weakness.

This is what frustrates me so much about writing programs. The people who grade you are going to base pretty much their entire assessment of your work on how they feel about it. They aren't going to be objective. I guarantee it. They will say, "Hmm, do I like this? Is it what I like to read? Is it what I consider 'good writing'? Is it what I consider a quality genre of fiction? Am I in a bad mood or a good mood right now? Am I PMSing? Does my horrible neighbor whose dogs take shits in my yard look just like you? These are all factors that I must take into consideration when grading your work!" Seriously, it's awful.

That's what I really liked about Matt, was that he seemed pretty open to any genre, and seemed to realize that not everybody writes the same way, and that some styles of writing work better with certain stories and genres, etc. B, from the first day I met her, pissed me off because of her close-mindedness. So I shouldn't have been surprised that she gave me a C. In fact I blatantly disregarded some of her suggestions for "improving" my writing in the Planning A Novel module. Not because I'm a brat (I am), but because I didn't feel that her preferred very literary style of writing fit the story I wanted to tell. So I wrote the way I wanted to, and the way that I believed was right for my story and characters, and she still gave me a C. Because she simply believes in a more literary style of writing. This wasn't a literary novel-writing course, it was a novel-writing course in any genre.  Right from the start she wanted me to write magical realism so that I could fit into a more literary genre. NO! That is not what I want! I want to write fantasy, comedy, light-hearted romantic adventures. She straight-up did not get that. And it really, really frustrates me.

This opens up the broader subject of: why don't academic people take fantasy literature seriously? And why do academic people, like B, think they can brush off the fantasy genre when they have not even read any of it? She said, first day of class, that she "doesn't read fantasy." And then she criticizes me for not reading a broader spectrum of genres and books. No. Does not compute. If I were to read one of her prose poems (ugh why do these exist), even if I were to read every single one of her books, I would not be inspired; I would not be influenced. This isn't to say her books are horrible, as they are likely very well written and insightful and moving and whatever else books can be. But they have nothing to do with what I write, and so why would I list books as inspiration and influence when they haven't actually done so? I got graded down for being honest? I don't actually understand.

And the fact that she said, if my style is indicative of the greater fantasy and YA genre (my book is not YA, just to be clear), she considers it a weakness -- just makes my blood boil. A weakness of the entire genre? Does she not realize she is being extremely judgmental, prejudiced (coming from a woman who "does not read fantasy"), and worst of all -- pretentious as hell?

I'm so, so tired of these ~writers~ being so condescending about genre fiction. What's the problem? Is it too entertaining? Too popular? Too easy and fun to read? I mean, I suppose it can be fun to play the elitist hipster douchebag to a point, but... really? To criticize an entire genre just because it's not the same as ~literary fiction~, the land of prose poems (god help us), is just plain ignorant.

I was feeling really depressed and mopey about the whole thing, but after a few days and a think, I've realized -- it doesn't matter what B says about my novel. She may absolutely despise every word of it. And that's okay! Because you know what? I'm not writing it for her. I'm not writing it for anyone who reads the kind of book that she reads. I'm writing it for the geeks, the fantasy fans, the girls who want to read a fun romance. I'm writing it for the people who will buy it. And most of all, I'm writing it for me. I still love my characters, and my story, and the world I created. I love all of it. It needs a lot of work, but I'm so happy to put in that work to make a better book. And ultimately, I can't wait -- I cannot wait -- to sell a buttload more copies of my book than B will ever sell of hers, because I'm writing popular fiction, it's what I want to write, and it's what makes me happy. So there.

First Draft Epiphanies & Fears

I finished the first draft of my novel on Monday. At least I think it was Monday. The days tend to run together for me, especially after a holiday visiting friends up north. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that I'm done with the first draft! I'm finished! Time to pop a cork and celebrate with cake and high-fives!

...Except not. Because the first draft is just that: the first draft. I mean, okay. I knew that, and I knew what I'd written needed a lot of beefing up, a lot of editing, a lot of reworking and rewriting and dramatizing. But I think I secretly imagined that as soon as I finished the first draft of my first ever novel, the skies would open and a chorus of angels would emerge from above and serenade me with trumpets, and Barack Obama would roll up in a carriage with a bottle of champagne and tell me I'd done America good. It's always disappointing when you expect fanfare and don't get any, even if your expectations were subconscious and delusional.

In reality, I met with my supervisor and he said, "Good first draft! Really. Now go home and make it better." Then I ate a cheese roll from Tesco, sat in the shade for a while, and took the tube home to Walthamstow. 

I guess I didn't realize how overwhelming it would feel when I'd finished the first draft, but was still faced with all of this work I had yet to do. And it's not just a bunch of useless busy work, like searching for grammar and continuity errors. It's adding flesh to the bones of a story. It's dislocating the limbs so I can reset them again, so they'll work properly this time. It's building a story from beginning to end, one that makes the reader feel something, one that happens from the start, one that creates drama and conflict and romance and excitement. It scares me.

I'm scared because I'm worried I don't have the skills to inject my story with these things. What if I do it wrong? What if I don't know how? I worry that it'll never be up to my standards. These are silly things to worry. I've never done this before; why should I know how to do it from the start? I have to figure it out as I go, just as I did with writing the first draft. And I'm sure it will be fine. In fact I know it will. But it's so scary!

I'm scared of going back in and upsetting things, for fear I'll make them even worse. I'm scared of changing the characters beyond recognition until it's a completely different story. I know it won't happen -- these are my characters, this is my story, and everything I do to it will be my choice. I only want to make it better. 

But what if I do it wrong?

Writing is hard. Everyone keeps telling me the hardest part is over, but I can't believe that's true. How could it be? Editing and rewriting 86,000+ words sounds pretty damn difficult to me. It doesn't sound like much of a walk in the park. But, I guess, neither was writing those 86,000+ words to begin with.

I think I'd better just accept that this whole process, from start to finish, is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done, and will feel like being punched repeatedly in the gut most of the time. But it has been, and it will continue to be, one of the most enjoyable and utterly rewarding things I have ever done. If not the most rewarding thing I've ever done, in my whole life.

Clockwork Birds

Let's be serious for a moment here. I've been writing lately. A lot. A lot as in, last week I wrote about 10,000 words in my novel. The first 10,000 words, in fact. It's possible that I'll end up scrapping or editing the living hell out of these words in the future, rendering them essentially useless, but right now I feel pretty good about myself. Chuffed, even. Writing a lot is exhausting, but no matter what, 100% of the time, I find it extremely satisfying.

I'm also about done with a 2-week work placement at a publishing house here in London. While the work hasn't always been the most stimulating, I've enjoyed every single second of it. Being in such a book-centric environment is amazing, and the people I've worked with are ridiculously friendly, welcoming, and full of information about the world of publishing. I keep telling people, "I don't want to leave!" I really don't. I'd be happy just going there every day forever, doing menial jobs for free. I'd bring everyone coffee and hang up their coats. Okay maybe I wouldn't do that forever, or for free, but what I'm trying to say is that I'm loving my work placement. It's done more to inspire me and get me motivated to write and finish my novel than even the Creative Writing MA program at Brunel. Don't get me wrong; the MA is amazing, and absolutely worth every penny I've spent on it, but it just hasn't kicked me into gear as much as working with this publishing house has over the past two weeks. Let's hope this motivation continues!

A few people have asked me what my novel is about, and I feel like a dick because I'm a bit reluctant to give out any specifics in terms of plot. But my novel is my baby, and as it's not published or anything, I want it to remain as under-wraps as possible while I work on it. I will say it's a fantasy of manners, absolutely my favorite sub-genre of fantasy bar none, and it's about a harpist. (I like writing about harpists, apparently.) There's also a tad bit of pseudo-steampunk happening in it, but not enough to make it a legitimately steampunk novel I'm afraid. And there are clockwork birds. Just keep your eye out for my name in lights, guys! Ha ha.

If you're interested in reading any books that fall into the "fantasy of manners" or mannerpunk sub-genre, I highly recommend Swordspoint by Ellen Kushner as a starting point. It's how I originally discovered the genre, and it's still regarded as basically the definitive mannerpunk novel. Definitely read it, if you have the time! It's technically a fantasy, but it reads like historical fiction -- there is no magic, no dragons, or anything you'd typically think of when talking about fantasy. So don't be afraid, Mom; you might actually like it.

And now I'm going to dive head-first into writing, and likely spend the rest of my evening bashing away at the keyboard. Farewell, real world.