Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Fuck Yeah 2014

It's almost 2014, guys! Hurray! When you read this it will almost certainly already be 2014. And that is a good thing.

2013 wasn't my best year. It was, for the most part, a barren stretch of time in which I went to work, came home, felt sorry for myself, went to bed, woke up, you get it. And that was rough. It was easy and it was a routine, but I was so unhappy that I don't even know who I was for that six plus months or so, after I came down from the high of being in the same country as Greg again. I was so, so unhappy in Utah. What an awful part of my life. Important, and probably necessary in some things-happen-for-a-reason sort of way, but I'm so glad it's over.

The stupid part is that I don't think I would have realized how unhappy I was, or how much I wanted to leave, unless Greg hadn't told me himself that he had planned to break up with me over some major future life plans he'd casually made without me, but thought he'd let me make that decision myself. And it took being told finally, after five and a half years of him dodging any discussion of the topic, that my partner hadn't thought about marriage at all, to realize that I needed to go back to Portland. I had this completely skewed idea of what my life and my relationship were like, or what they were going to be like, and I was just waiting for something that would never happen. So I decided to leave, because I was depressed and lonely and stifled, and if he liked it then he should've put a fucking ring on it.

Thank god he didn't, though.

It's almost 2014 and I'm in an honest mood. More honest than usual, which is a lot. But I take pride in the fact that I don't sugar coat things on my blog, or anywhere for that matter. It's probably a turn-off to a lot of people, and it leaves me more vulnerable than I might otherwise be, but I don't know how to close myself off. I kind of wish I did, to be honest. Sometimes.

I'm looking forward to 2014 because it will be devoid of Utah, completely. It will be whatever I want to make of it, and that is amazing. I have two comic cons planned, I'm saving up for my next tattoo -- holy shit I can get whatever tattoos I want now, it's like I'm in charge of my own body or something omg -- and hopefully I'll do something worthwhile with my writing.

The idea of a clean slate is just the most appealing thing in the world to me right now. I'm tired of all the loss, the grief, the loneliness. I'm so much happier and more alive now than I was only a few months ago, and I'm ready for my breakup to not be a huge part of my current identity. How about I just focus on being awesome.

Fuck exes, fuck Utah, fuck self-pity. Fuck yes, 2014!

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