Postcards from Purgatory

Here are two side-by-side photographs of me holding geeky rectangular items in front of my face! 

So firstly, I started Borderlands a few days ago. I did this for three reasons. I know you're all way curious to know these reasons, so let me outline them for you in a numbered list!

Reasons Meg Started Playing Borderlands:

1. I needed a new game to play in an attempt to distract me from my all-consuming impatience as I wait for Dragon Age: Inquisition to come out, and everyone (like two people I guess) said it was super good and that I'd like it.

2. I wanted to cancel out my previous experience with the series, which was playing co-op Borderlands 2 with my ex Greg, the most stressful and frustrating gaming experience of our time. It was only my second time ever playing an FPS (the first being about ten minutes of shitting my pants in Left 4 Dead with no idea how to use a 360 controller and getting dog-piled by shrieking zombies, or was that my own shrieking, idk).

So Borderlands 2 was my sad attempt to bond with Greg, as video games were one of the only ways to do that, and it was terrible. He's really good at games and an extraordinarily fast reader, so he would just barrel through every quest, not giving me time to read the objectives or figure out what I was doing in any way. It resulted in me firing my gun wildly into the sky at nothing and then dying, in quick succession, over and over. I never had any idea what was going on, where we were, or how to fucking aim my gun or walk anywhere without getting stuck in a corner.

LONG STORY SHORT: I am traumatized by that experience and would like to replace it with a positive one! Yeahhh positive gaming experiences! There's actually a lot of satisfaction that's come from being able to play games, enjoy them, and most of all be good (relatively) at them without Greg's presence to pressure me, or help me, or do it for me. I've taken gaming and made it my own, and I'm super proud of myself for that?

3. I wanna talk to Stacey about it. Let's be real, all of my gaming-related decisions in life from now on are going to hinge heavily on Stacey. Is she playing the game? I WANNA PLAY TOO. Is she not playing the game? I DON'T WANNA PLAY EITHER. Am I excited about a game series that Stacey has not yet played? NAG HER UNTIL SHE DOES. Sorry, Staceyyyy I love you (too much).

So there you have it. I've played a couple hours of it so far (pretty much nothing), but already it's a million times more enjoyable than my experience with Borderlands 2. It's more difficult than other games I've played, mostly because there's no ~casual~ mode (wtf, guys? What are fake gamer girls like me to do when there's only one difficulty setting??), but I'm quickly getting the hang of it! I was busy all weekend fucking around with this stupid blog, but I'm excited to play more this week! Will keep you guys updated because I know you super care.

SECONDLY, and here's the best thing that's happened to me in probably my entire life: Stacey's Purgatory postcard finally showed up omfg!!!

No, you don't understand. A couple months ago now, when we were in the throes of full-on Mass Effect obsession (we still kinda are), Stacey sent me a series of postcards over the space of a few weeks, all from various places in Mass Effect. I got postcards from Illium, the Citadel, Feros, and one from Omega. I eagerly checked the mail every day when I got home from work, hoping for the next one and shrieking with delight every time it arrived. But when the final postcard from Purgatory didn't come, and didn't come... and still didn't come, Stacey grew worried. She asked if I had received it and I said I hadn't, even though she'd sent it. Where could it have gone?? We wondered if it got lost in the mail, if it went to the wrong address, if I'd accidentally thrown it out with junk mail. We were both devastated. The postcards had been telling a story, and I was forced to accept the fact that I would never know how that story ended.

This all took place, as I said, months ago. And then on Friday I checked my mail, pulling out the usual junk and the electric bill. But I felt one more piece of mail in there and pulled it out. And I SCREAMED. Like, I'm hoping none of my neighbors were home because I straight shouted "OH MY GOD!!" and started jumping up and down on the front step. THE POSTCARD HAD FINALLY ARRIVED FROM PURGATORY. And as I read the final chapter in the saga of Stacey Shepard and friends finally making their way back to Earth and to me, I shed a tear. No, I cried. It was an actual tear. I say that I'm crying a lot on social media, and you may think that's an exaggeration, but I swear to you that 98% of the time I'm literally crying. Just as I was in this case.

It was so emotional and I'm just beyond happy that the postcard arrived at last! I wonder what it was doing that whole time? Did it go to the wrong address? If so, did the recipient have any earthly idea what the fuck any of it meant? Because obviously they would have read it. I would have read it. And I like to think that they were transported, if only for a moment, to another world... a world among the stars, stranger and more fantastic than any they could have imagined, a world of adventure, rare beauty... and sexy aliens.

REBRAND'D (ew)

Welp! I did it! After about fifty years of dicking around with various header ideas, buttons, backgrounds, and all manner of super annoying html tweaking, I did the thing! I changed my blog title and URL! Obvs! I didn't realize I could actually do that (thank you Elizabeth, what in god's name would I do without you), so once I realized I could, that's what I did. So hopefully, you know, this isn't incredibly inconvenient for everyone and we can just carry on as usual.

So. I guess, welcome to I Just Can't??? Probably the stupidest blog title to ever exist in the history of blogs, but... whatever. I almost called it Feels on Wheels so let's all just be thankful I didn't go that route! Regardless, now I feel more comfortable about posting here as it's no longer reminding me of that jerkface Steven Moffat ruining my (used-to-be) favorite show.

And now, business as usual. I was thinking today about what my Stargate tattoo is going to look like/where it will be. Wait, what Stargate tattoo you ask? The one that was meant to be my first tattoo! I got so close to getting it that I even called a tattoo shop in Missoula before I moved to Portland in 2010 to ask about a consultation, but for whatever reason I chickened out and didn't actually schedule one. So I never got the tattoo. I even cajoled a friend into making a cool minimalist vector rendering of a Stargate and everything, only to back out like a little manbaby. Then of course I fell head over heels for Eleven, the TARDIS happened, and the Stargate didn't.

I still want to get a Stargate tattoo, though, which is where this whole ramble is going. I don't think I want it to be as boring as I was originally planning, and was thinking of doing something like my Shep, leaning toward a more traditional tattoo style with Gin's style thrown in? Because I would most definitely go to her again, after the amazing work she did on Shep. I'd certainly want flowers or botanicals of some sort framing the Stargate, and then I'm thinking... left thigh? Or left shoulder blade. The only thing about shoulder blade tattoos is you never see them, and admiring my tattoos is kinda one of my favorite pastimes.

Oh well, I'll sort something out by the time I feel like throwing $600 at a tattoo again, which hopefully won't be for a long while. My wallet is hurting (as usual).

Update on Meg drunkenly maybe ordering Hawkeye comics! It didn't happen. Sadly? Or happily, for my wallet. Shut up, wallet. Next time.

Something New

Hi! So. Here's the thing. I want to re-brand. I'm not sure even what that means (it sounds gross?), but I want to do it. Back when I made this blog, "bow ties are cool" meant something to me. It was important. But it doesn't mean the same thing to me anymore. Or maybe I'm just really angry at Steven Moffat for being the worst? Either way, it's not me. I'm not sure if I want to simply rename the blog and keep the url, or buy a domain and redirect this url to that domain, or... what, exactly. I may even start a completely new blog, and keep updating this one as my more personal, life-y blog.

Because what I really want to focus on is geeky shit, and I want that to be my whole ~thing~. I know I do that already here, but it seems out of place, or just... weird to me. I feel like I've grown out of this blog, or I need something new and fresh, but it doesn't feel right. I want to talk about the comics I've been reading (I'm getting into comics now, yay!), and the video games I've been playing, and the movies and TV shows I've been watching, without feeling like I'm cluttering up this blog, which has seen so many different things over the years and maybe is too old and stale for me now. What do you guys think? I'm really torn.

I will say, though, that I'm KIND OF tipsy and just put a bunch of Matt Fraction's Hawkeye volumes in my Amazon shopping cart so like, that might happen. Momentarily. Also Saga vol. 3. Help me.

No seriously help me.

P.S. DRAGON AGE: INQUISITION SOON AMIRITE.

P.P.S. N7 DAY SOON AMIRITE.

Shepard Tattoo: Complete!

Okay hi, I haven't blogged in forever! Mostly because I've been dealing with not-very-crippling anxiety and depression, which is just crippling enough to make me not want to put myself out there very much, both in real life and online. It's okay, it's being dealt with and isn't that big of a deal, but I thought I'd explain!

That said, I wanted to share my beautiful Commander Shepard tattoo with you guys now that she's healed. I love her so, so much. I'm thrilled with her, she means the world to me, and I'm so happy with her I want to die. The artist, Gin Hicks, is incredible. She really, really is. My crappy selfies do not do justice to her delicate linework or her subtle coloring. It's such a lovely tattoo and well worth every penny. If you live in Portland or nearby I would highly recommend her! She's attentive, listened to what I wanted, and even though I gave her a lot of artistic freedom, she came up with a piece that I'm so proud to wear. I want to cry just looking at it.

Back in July I blogged about my feels regarding Commander Shepard (from the game Mass Effect, obvs), which will give you a tiny bit of an idea of just how much I adore her. It's hard talking about my love for Shep without sounding like a complete freak who is 100% removed from normal society and real life in any form. I have a hard enough time articulating my love for Mass Effect itself without feeling like a cray cray, and there are plenty of people out there who I know love it just as much as I do.

Shepard is, to be totally honest, my first real fictional female hero. I fall for male characters all the time. I identify with them, lust after them, admire them, take inspiration from them. But I've never felt quite the same way about any female characters, until now. And Shepard blows them all out of the water. She is everything to me. If she were real, I would kill for her. I would die for her if she asked. I wish I was exaggerating but I'm pretty sure I'm not?? I would legitimately sacrifice my life for Shepard's cause. I'd follow her into hell, and I wouldn't follow the Doctor there. Shepard is a fucking force. She means so much to me I get physical pangs sometimes when I think about her, okay. In my chest. Physical chest pangs.

Whatever you guys, it's fine it's not a big deal. It's fine.

Anyway, I think David Anderson, a superior officer in the Systems Alliance Navy, puts it well (and in a way that makes me weep like a tiny child every time I listen to the voice recording in his apartment):

Thing is, you never heard a complaint. Never once got 'No, sir. I can't do that.' She never hesitated. Few people know what Shepard's been through. I'd like to think I come pretty close. And I worry sometimes she forgets: there's a whole bunch of people who lose sleep over her getting back home. Maybe it doesn't need to be said. Maybe we're too dumb to say it. 

Soldiers like the Commander are rare. Women like Shepard... even more rare.

20 Stupid Thoughts: Mass Effect 3

I finished Mass Effect 3 for the second time last night, so in celebration (mourning?) of that event, I have decided to inundate you with my thoughts and feels on the subject. Since this was my second playthrough, maybe some of my outbursts will reflect that. I'm not sure yet though as I'm literally going to just pull this out of my ass as I go. You're welcome.

20 Stupid Thoughts: Mass Effect 3 (Or: Why Synthesis Is The Best Ending, Shut Up You're Wrong)

1. Okay but the main thing I need to get across first of all is that EDI and Joker are everything. EVERYTHING I TELL YOU. They're the crux of this whole story I swear to god and if you disagree I don't know how you can exist in this world. The entire trilogy is based on organics vs. synthetics, and the increasingly blurred line between the two. Can synthetics have souls? Can organics become synthetic? Joker and EDI's relationship represents the ideal harmony between organics and synthetics. They are everything. Synthesis, mmkay.

2. Talking to Citadel Child made me super confused this time around, even more so than the first time?? Especially as I'd done the Leviathan DLC, which I feel should have clarified things but only made them worse. I'm pretty sure this was not meant to be the case. Instead I was like, Leviathan? Reapers? Star-Lord? Who? I don't remember that mission, I did it like three weeks ago. Christ. Just let me pick an ending already.

3. Uhhh. Miranda died this time? She didn't die last time. What the hell did I do wrong? Or, let's be real: what did I do right.

4. Arriving on Palaven's moon and being met with that view of a mountainous reaper with the war-torn Palaven behind it? Fucking shivers. The epic scale of this game just blows me away on a pretty much constant basis.

5. The final stretch in London with the big ol' canon going off and then the reaper coming ever closer, with the whole SCREEN SHAKING, holy shit have I never felt this immersed in a game before. It's beyond scary, it's overwhelming, it's like I'm actually there and it kills me how good it is.

6. The Citadel DLC is the most happy/sad thing of my entire life. Everyone is so mad at Shepard for breaking the floor of the best sushi place on the Citadel! Nobody cares that a bunch of dudes were coming at her with guns and she was wearing her fancy dress! Her evil clone says "I should go"! They throw a house party! EVERYBODY GOES ON A MISSION TOGETHER, INCLUDING WREX. Just, all of that DLC. All of it. The best thing to ever happen to me. I don't even need a husband or children at this point because they couldn't possibly make me happier than this DLC.

7. Thane vs. Kai Leng. Jesus take the fucking wheel.

8. The dream sequences. No, it's cool, Mass Effect. You go right ahead and crush my soul into smithereens. I didn't need it anyway.

9. Shepard's defeat after Thessia just hits me on an intensely emotional level. When she goes to talk to Joker and accuses him of taking things too lightly, and then he reminds her that his family might be dead, and to shut up anyway because everyone is so worried about her, and how Anderson told Joker to look after her because she's under so much stress, I'm just no no nope no. Nope. Nooope.

10. Garrus asking if Shep thinks she could be a one turian kind of woman. I clasp my controller to my chest, shrieking: YES I CAN BE A ONE TURIAN KIND OF WOMAN. NOW KISS ME ON TOP OF THE PRESIDIUM RIGHT NOW YOU STUPID ADORABLE ALIEN. (Yeah I threw the shot, what am I, some kind of asshole?)

11. WHEN YOU THINK GRUNT IS GONNA DIE AND HE'S FIGHTING IN SLO-MO TO SAD PIANO MUSIC BUT THEN HE SURVIVES AND YOU'RE LIKE "wut" WITH TEARS RUNNING DOWN YOUR FACE

12. Everyone around the Citadel. The conversations taking place are so captivating, I stand and listen and am so taken by all of the NPCs. All of them! Especially the salarian with the special new suit that his friend sold her fancy new car to buy for him so he'd be safer in the war. And the turian looking out for the girl who's been separated from her family. And the woman who's worried about breaking up with her boyfriend for the woman who's been there for her while he's away. And the fact that Shepard goes around dispensing advice and inspiring people with her presence is just so magical to me.

13. I feel like Shepard has grown so much as a person since the beginning of all of this shit with the reapers, and while she's not afraid to do what it takes to get things done, she's still compassionate. She feels pain for every person she couldn't save on Earth. She hated to leave them behind but she had to so she could unite the galaxy, and that sheer weight of responsibility tempers her, I think, but it also motivates her and shapes her, and the fact that she endures for so long under that weight is just. Beyond words.

14. I liked Legion more and the quarians WAY less this time around? I'm pretty sure part of it was that I was paying more attention while I was in the Geth Consensus, because man those quarians are jerks!! The geth just wanted to be helpful, dudes! Don't turn on your synthetic children! Not cool, guys. Not to mention that idiot admiral starts firing on the dreadnought while Shep is still on board?? SERIOUSLY NOT COOL GUYS

15. Does this unit have a soul? UGLY SOBBING

16. Liara's parting gift to Shepard. I don't even have the faintest idea what it's supposed to be but it made me cry a fucking lot.

17. Jesus H. Christ, can Jacob go die already? How can any one person be so overwhelmingly monotonous? Seriously. I'm upset that Jacob even gets his own thought, so here, have a bonus James thought: WHY IS SHEP ALWAYS FLIRTY WITH JAMES BY DEFAULT. I would actually like ol' Jimmy Vega (sounds like a pole dancer on Omega) if he didn't have a creepy flirt-fest going on with Shepard all the time? I had to spend literally 12 minutes doing 183 pull-ups in Anderson's apartment to beat his stupid record before I could feel better about it all.

18. I just really like the bit on the Citadel after Cerberus attacks, when you're zooming around on top of an elevator, shooting down other elevators; and Captain Bailey, meanwhile, is foiling Kai Leng by making his elevator stop on every floor.

19. Seriously though you guys, the synthesis ending is 100% the only ending you could possibly choose and here's why. You can't choose control because that's fucked up. You can't choose destruction because it destroys all of the goddamn mass relays, AND it destroys every synthetic in the galaxy, including, oh wait: your friend EDI. Also fucked up! Synthesis takes Shepard's ~essence~ and turns it into this magical green light that achieves the ultimate in evolution: a melding of organic and synthetic beings! EDI and Joker fully understand one another. EDI is alive. The reapers now fucking help to rebuild in the wake of the destruction they caused. Everyone is at peace. Shepard sacrificed herself so that the galaxy could be the best version of itself. If you go destruction, then pretty soon organics will create more synthetics that will inevitably rise up against them, and the cycle starts all over again. But with synthesis, it's over. And it's better! So there. The only logical choice to make. And if your reason for choosing destruction is so that you can get the one "happy" ending, well fine. FINE I understand that I guess. (But watching Shepard dive into that beam, slowly breaking apart at a molecular level, all to make the galaxy a better place? Fucking most heartbreaking moment of my life thus far okay.)

20. I'm Garrus Vakarian, and this is now my favorite spot on the Citadel!

Shepard Tattoo

Aah! Finally, you guys! The first session of my Commander Shepard tattoo is finished. I am beyond in love with how it's come out so far. BEYOND. I am so, so happy with it!

I started thinking about getting a Shep tattoo before I even finished Mass Effect 3, which seems like ages ago but was actually only around six weeks ago. I knew I wanted a big ol' Shep on my upper arm, but I didn't really have a preference for how big, and I didn't have any specific idea of what I wanted it to look like; more like loose guidelines.

So at my consultation a few weeks ago, I brought in some references such as Shepard's armor, a screenshot of my Shep, and so on. I was really more interested in seeing my artist's take on it, as I love her style (Gin Hicks at Icon Tattoo Studio in Portland), and wanted something she would be excited about too. I told her to make it as big as she wanted, which I had assumed would be pretty big, but I wasn't expecting to see a half sleeve when I went in yesterday! Honestly though, I was super excited about how big it was. I've been playing with the idea of a full sleeve on my right arm anyway, so for half of that to be Shep right off the bat is perfect.

Only the lines and some shading are done now, and the color will be added later in September. I'm just so, so happy and excited about it! Shepard, as you know, is one of my favorite characters of all time and is my actual hero. I can't really articulate what this tattoo or Shep mean to me without sounding ridiculous, but I love it so much.

Thank you Gin! Thank you Rose and Megan for sitting with me for two hours and distracting me from my pain! Thank you, self, for being brave enough to sit through two hours of pain like a total badass!

The lines before shading, and Gin's original design.

I'm Grateful for Some Stuff

I'm having a pretty lame Monday, and I was going to just loll around in bed and listen to depressing Mass Effect playlists while feeling sorry for myself, but instead I thought, why not at least try to counteract my emo bullshit with something positive? So here, have a list of...

10 THINGS I'M GRATEFUL FOR or whatever:

1. Lyall. He loves me no matter what, and is a warm, happy little creature who depends on me and comforts me and never ever gets tired of spending time with me!

2. My friends. I love my friends more than anything. I don't have any siblings, but I consider my girl friends to be sisters. I would take bullets for them and I know they'd do the same for me. No matter how ridiculous and stupid I am, how unhappy I am, no matter how confused or lonely I am, they are always there and they always love me. I love you guys.

3. My parents. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to have such accepting, loving, supportive, and encouraging parents. I feel like I can be 100% myself around them, and I know that no matter what choices or mistakes I make in life, they will always stand behind me. I will never forget their generosity a year ago when I made the sudden and heartbreaking move to Oregon. My dad dropped everything the day I broke up with Greg and wanted to get out, took the next available flight from Phoenix to SLC, and drove me all the way to Portland overnight. My mom, even though she was grieving a brother who she lost the same day I lost Greg, was there for me, helped support me while I floundered without a home or a job, and bought me a car so I could drive to interviews and potential jobs. Thanks, parents. You rule.

4. Mass Effect. Seriously, this game makes me so happy. Being passionate and excited about something is one of life's greatest joys, and I'm deriving so much joy from it!

5. My home. I love my little cluttered-up, cozy room. I love my duplex. I love my roommate. I love our little neighborhood. I feel so safe and relaxed here.

6. These fuckin things. They're so delicious, I'm legitimately addicted, and they are only 3 Weight Watchers points. I genuinely lose myself in happiness whenever I eat one okay. They are great.

7. The tumblr BioWare fandom. Checking my dashboard periodically throughout the day and seeing new Garrus gifsets on the reg seriously keeps me going. And they're such a passionate, fun, positive group of people who make my internet life brighter all the time!

8. My new haircut. I'm really, really happy with my new hair. It's vain and not very meaningful, but it is everything I dreamed of and more. My advice to each and every one of you is to do something crazy with your hair that you normally would never do, because you will probably love it.

9. My job. It's not my dream job (my dream job is to be the new Neil Gaiman, so), but it's really great. I love the people I work with, I love correcting grammar and complaining about references all day, and it's just a place where I don't mind showing up every morning at 6:00 a.m. Which is saying a lot.

10. Myself. I'm grateful that I've made it this far in life and am generally content and pleased with where I am. I'm grateful that I can be grateful for so many things. I know it might come off as conceited, but I'm proud of myself. I work for what I have, I treat myself, I take care of my sweet little dog, I get sad, I keep going, and I enjoy life. Because life is awesome!

And now I feel a lot better.