Fail Better

Dress: F21, necklace: H&M, glasses: Ray-Ban

Very quick "outfit" post. My mom bought this dress for me while we were out shopping over the weekend. She came to visit for five days, and it was so good to see her and hang out! We went shopping, drove to Antelope Island, and had the most amazing dinner at Eva downtown. I miss her already.

Nothing much else to say. I can't tell if I'm depressed, incredibly stressed out, or just sad. But either way things aren't normal. I'm trying to figure it out. I wish I could be more entertaining or funny or upbeat, for myself as much as other people, but I was never good at acting in any way other than what I felt. 

Anyway. I just want to say how much I appreciate those of you who have stuck around, even though my blog can never decide what sort of blog it is, and even though I'm so emotional and moody all the time. (I'm definitely going to look into getting therapy again once I can afford it. Everyone can benefit from an objective viewpoint once in a while.) So thanks, guys, I love you so much. x

Kind of an Outfit I Guess

Dress and necklace: H&M, glasses: Ray-Ban

I felt like doing a very half-assed outfit post today. I've been wearing black tights and the same black flats every day for weeks, so it's really only the top half that's interesting anyway. I think this is the coolest dress. It's all smock-y and it's covered with skulls and there are buttons down the back -- what's not to love? I got the necklace for free at H&M, for their buy two get one free on sale items deal. I got two sweatshirts as well, for $7 each. Bargain! 

I'm already thinking about my fall wardrobe, and I already know what black ankle boots I'm going to buy when I can afford them. One can never have too many black ankle boots! I have a pair of flat Chelsea style boots, some fur-lined ones with a pretty high heel (for me anyway), and now I want a pair with a mid-heel. Is that a thing? Mid-heel? The more I look at the word, the less sense it makes. Oh well you know what I mean. Anyway I was going to link the boots I want but I can't find them online. That, or they're just ugly in pictures and cute in real life? I DON'T KNOW. Well whatever.

I wish I had more things to say, but I sadly don't. I'm going to shower (I'm covered in gross elliptical sweat), watch Teen Wolf, get some writing done, and then probably go on tumblr for hours looking for pics of Charlie Hunnam in Pacific Rim. Or find a new show to watch on Netflix. I need a new fandom! Any suggestions for shows with multiple seasons out already? And it should probably be speculative (scifi/fantasy), since real life is boring and I need to bump up the Escaping Reality value on my values map that I made yesterday.

Life of Late

Dress: Wholesale-dress.net, Necklace: F21, glasses: Ray-Ban

So... hi, I guess? Full disclosure: my mom missed my posts. That's basically the only reason I'm updating, because all the ingredients for a good outfit post are fucking not available, for example: Confidence, cute clothes that I want to wear, good lighting, weather that isn't 100F, outfits that are worth photographing. This was the only photo in all the photos I took that I felt vaguely comfortable with posting. You're welcome, Mom.

I think I've been having a hard time lately. I say "think" because it's sometimes hard to tell, with me. I'm often experiencing some sort of inner turmoil, so it's quite normal that I find myself feeling melancholy, or stressed, or anxious, or any combination of the three. But I still think it's worse lately. I seem to have withdrawn even further into myself ever since I was basically home sick for almost two months, due to hives, and then the flu. I didn't do anything social, really, that whole time, except go to Denver Comic Con right after I got over the flu. Returning to SLC was hard after that, because at DCC I was with Shaun and a couple of her friends who I immediately felt comfortable with, because we're all weirdo introvert (I think?) geeks. And then when I was back here in SLC, I hadn't seen any of my girl friends in weeks... and I don't know, I just didn't make an effort. It's so hard to make an effort to be social with people who aren't on the level of sibling, you know? That's nothing against them; they're awesome people, but I've been shitty at being a friend and if you don't maintain the friendship, you have to start all over again. And I'm so shitty at that. So anyway, I've been feeling isolated and weird and... just off.

Plus I gained a bunch of weight after I quit my elimination diet, which happened while I had the flu. There was nothing in the house I felt like eating after puking my guts out except whole wheat bread, so I ate it. The allergist doesn't think my hives are food related anyway. So yeah, I basically starved myself for 5 days while sick, first because there was almost nothing in the house I could eat, and then because I was just too sick to eat. So when I got better, finally, I just went crazy. I ate whatever the hell I wanted, whenever the hell I wanted, and as much as I wanted. Needless to say my body freaked out and I gained about 5 pounds in a couple weeks. I'm about 7 pounds over my comfortable weight right now, and it's hanging over me. Say what you will about accepting yourself for who you are, gaining weight fucking sucks. Most of my skirts and dresses just straight-up don't fit me, as all my weight goes to my stomach/thighs, and the last thing I want is to document how awful I look, and therefore how awful I feel. I may be wallowing in self-pity, but there it is. I'm trying to eat better but it's hard after a few weeks of basically binging on cookies and carbs, and I feel a bit hopeless and depressed a lot of the time.

I think a lot of my mood has to do with the weather. It's super hot and sunny in SLC, and while most people seem to enjoy such weather, as you know, I hate it. It makes me miss London and Portland even more. And one of my best friends just moved back into Portland (she used to live out in a suburb), and when she told me about walking to a bakery from her new place with her husband, and how she'd cried with joy, I cried too. But not from joy. I feel so awful because my life would be perfect... if we still lived in Portland. I love my boyfriend, my dog, my job, my apartment... and I hate this fucking city. I don't have it in me to move anytime soon (I'm so tired of moving on a yearly basis!), and Greg just got his job, so we'll be here for another couple years I'm sure. But I really don't like it here. It's an awful city, it's the most boring place I've ever been, and I want to get out. Thank god for Greg. He seriously does keep me sane. Although I probably won't be dragging the poor guy to Farmer's Market again any time soon. (And I keep reminding myself that he had to suffer through Portland for a year, so I guess it's my turn to suffer... which kind of makes me feel less bleak and more like a hero, but still.)

My writing is going okay. I've started another novel. Not the steampunk one; that one got put in the "maybe I'll write this later, but probably not" pile. Now I'm working on a space opera with a Louis XIV aesthetic. At least I think that's what's going on. All I know is that the nobles all live on "floating estates," which are basically space stations, because they've abandoned the over-populated and slummy planet that they settled on hundreds of years ago. There's a swordsman and space pirates and balls and murders, so that's exciting. I've written the outline and am trying to write about 1,000 words per day, minimum. It's easy for me if I put my mind to it.

I've also decided to start querying agents again for my first novel. I made some minor revisions, but realized in the long run that the protagonist is how I want her to be, and if it turns out that no agent in the entire world likes her and thinks she'll sell, then okay. I'll self-publish. But until I've queried every agent in the world, or at least in the country, I won't give up. I don't feel like truly giving up yet. So... yeah. Readying myself for more rejections!

Sorry for the very long ramble. My mom said she likes it when I'm genuine, so I thought I'd genuinely spill my guts here for everyone to read. After all, introverts are cool with talking about themselves online, or so I have heard.

Outfit no. 67

Dress and necklace: H&M, belt and jacket: F21, shoes: c/o Blowfish, glasses: Ray-Ban

This is pretty much as springy as I'll get, clothing-wise. I feel like the necklace is even too cute and colorful for me, which makes me wonder what's wrong with me. I'm just hating to wear color lately. I got a super cute springy dress from SwayChic a while back, and I wore it on my birthday, but oh man did it not feel right. It's a great dress, and I'm sure I'll keep wearing it, but it was too... feminine and cute, I guess. And while I love that kind of thing on other girls, and in theory on myself, I just feel like I'm in a costume when I wear it. Which is fine, but annoying as I have rather a lot of cutesy clothes that I don't want to wear. First world problems!

In a similar vein, is it winter yet? I'm already tired of this "summer" business. As much as I love how my skin gets puffy and pink in any weather that isn't 1) cold and 2) dreary, I can't wait for it to be cold again! Sob. I've scheduled a haircut for tomorrow, though, which should bring some relief. I'm thinking of getting a slightly more a-line bob, to keep my hair off my neck in the coming (hotter and hotter) days. Something like Lyzi's adorable new 'do. What do you think?

I'm really excited to go to my writers group tonight, if all works out in favor. We've had to reschedule it the past two times, because first I got hives, and then one of the members had a "house emergency" and couldn't make it. So hopefully this week nobody comes down with a sudden illness or anything! I really need to get back into the writing game. I let it fall by the wayside when I got hives, as I couldn't really concentrate on anything and could only focus on video games and The Walking Dead. They seem to be getting a bit better now, but I'm tapering my Prednisone dose so we'll see when that's all done... fingers crossed!

Outfit no. 66

Shorts and shirt: F21, blazer: H&M, shoes: Chicwish, earrings: Primark, glasses: Ray-Ban

I feel like this outfit is better in person than in photographs, and I will stick to that assertion even if it's wrong! Also I had the camera angle weird and too high, and it makes my legs look even shorter than they normally are, which is pretty short. But guys it's so hot outside that I couldn't be bothered to fix them, or take more, so... here. I'm sorry.

My mom got me these shoes for my birthday, and I love them so much! I'm super liking pointy shoes lately, even though they give me the weird inverted triangle look. Well whatever.

I wish I had more things to say but this weather is making my brain melt. I can do nothing but play video games until the AC cools the apartment off a bit more. Farewell.

Outfit no. 65

Dress: Mod Dolly, Belt and necklace: F21, shoes: Payless, glasses: Ray-Ban

Hello again, so soon! It's nothing too exciting outfit-wise, but I wanted to blog so badly today! And I've been in a good mood all day, as it's my birthday tomorrow and it's Friday and how can you not be happy under such circumstances?

I'm in love with this dress from Mod Dolly, which I got a while back but haven't had a chance to blog about. In fact the first time I wore it was right before I got the hives. Memories... Anyway, I always love a bright red tartan, so this dress is riiiight up my street. It's quite comfy and really well made, and I'll probably be wearing it all summer!

Apologies for the awful face situation. I had just taken Lyall on a walk and then came in to realize he'd pooped on the floor after getting into the garbage and eating an entire cantaloupe rind (how??), and I had to clean it all up before taking photos. Also this morning I was running late and didn't get to do my makeup properly, smudgy eyeliner ftw!

I'm a tattoo whore (?) and always turn my arm out so you can see the TARDIS in photos. Hurr. But look at my neat tattoo guuyyyys! I was thinking about getting another one with my birthday money, but then I realized it would probably be the worst idea ever to stab my skin with ink needles while suffering from hives, so... that idea went out the window. If I did get another tattoo I think it would probably be a lion. For multiple really lame reasons, but yes.

Oh, and I've started eating only "hypoallergenic" food in a sad attempt to discover what's causing the hives! I'm mainly just avoiding common food allergens for now: eggs, peanuts, shellfish, dairy, gluten, soy, chocolate (sob), corn, and basically sticking to fresh veggies and fruit, and weird gluten/allergen free stuff from Whole Foods. Who knows if this will make any difference, but it makes me feel like I'm doing something and taking control of my hivey friends. And hey, almond milk isn't that bad in weird hemp cereal, which is what I'm reduced to eating! Plus all my amazing friends gave me a bunch of ideas for allergen-free cakes I can force Greg to bake for me tomorrow. Hurray! 

Well friends, that's about all for now. Have a lovely weekend! Who knows when I'll be back again. Hopefully soon. 

Outfit no. 64

Dress: c/o eShakti, jacket: River Island, belt: New Look, hat: H&M, boots: Aldo, earrings and necklace: F21, glasses: Ray-Ban

It's been snowing in Salt Lake. I can't decide if this excites or confuses me. It doesn't particularly annoy me, as it's a million times better than sunshine and warmth, but I do feel as though the weather had its chance to be snowy, and now it ought to focus on April showers. Even so, can't really complain; I get to keep wearing tights and warm jackets so I'm happy!

So this dress is amazing. It has a bloody duck print, guys. It was sent to me by eShakti, an online clothes shop I'd heard about before, but had never really looked into. And um you guys, they are super amazing. Their dresses are a bit expensive for me (so yay free sample to review!), but they cover a wide spectrum of sizes and -- this is the best bit -- you can have them customized to fit your body, and your taste! Which I find awesome, as often I hesitate to buy clothes online because I'm worried they won't fit. Before I had this dress customized for me, it was a below-the-knee length, and sleeveless. I had it customized to add short sleeves, and shorten the length as well. And it turned out splendidly. If I ever have to buy a nice dress for a special occasion in the future, I'll defo keep these guys in mind, as the dress fits, and it's pretty high quality. Yay duck dress!

And now I'm off to work on the outline of my new novel. Which is already over 4,000 words and it's only about halfway done. Oh dear.

Outfit no. 63

Skirt and hat: H&M, shirt: F21, blazer: Old Navy (super old), bag: Primark, shoes: c/o GoJane, necklace: Zara, glasses: Ray-Ban

Hello! It's been a few days. In all honesty I just haven't had the inclination to blog, and have been more interested in wallowing in my own self-pity this week. But after a discussion with Greg (aka a lengthy scolding), I've realized that I need to be writing daily, as it's truly what keeps me happy and feeling fulfilled as a person. 

So I've had a bit of a personal breakthrough, and am working on some minor-ish revisions on my novel, and once that's done I'll start querying agents with a vengeance once again. You can only hear so many rejections before you feel like a hack. And yes, there are multiple agents reading my manuscript at the moment, but that doesn't mean they'll love it. It's a very difficult, soul-crushing, terrible business, shopping your novel! Oh well, I'm surviving, and hopefully all of this will lead to something good.

Anyway, outfit! I wore this to go for a latte and a cheeky shop at Fashion Place Mall, because they have a Sephora. I've recently become interested in makeup, which I never was before, and last weekend I spent a ridiculous amount of money on some simple basics at Sephora. Well I decided that I needed to try a couple things from Clinique that I'd been seeing around on blogs and such, so I picked up their Almost Lipstick in Black Honey today, as well as one of their Chubby Sticks for eyes in Ample Amber (although I had to get that at Nordstrom, as they were sold out at Sephora!). I'm in love with both already. I've been trying to find the right everyday lip color, and while I have a few that I love, I feel like they're a bit too crazy for work, so I usually put them on after, or just wear them on the weekends. This Almost Lipstick seems like a pretty good match to what I had in mind for day-to-day lip color, and I'm super excited! I'd do a review of it or something, but I'm such a newcomer to makeup and I fear I'd just muck it up.

What makeup do you guys swear by? Is there a new thing you'd like to try, or are you committed to your look? I'm curious to hear from other girls about their makeup because I'm still like "what the fuck is primer and why do I need it." Honestly what is primer and why do I need it?

Outfit no. 62

Dress: Cotton On, cardi and blazer: H&M, necklace: F21, shoes: Payless, glasses: Ray-Ban

Before you go scolding me on the horrible backdrop and image quality on these photos, let me explain: I was lazy. And in a bad mood. And also it's cold outside. All of this conspired to make me take these photos as fast as possible without having to go out on the balcony. Since the chimney cleaners (Victorian street urchins, I imagine) came today while we were at work, we had to move all the furniture and things away from the fireplace. So I had a bit of room in which to be lazy and take indoor outfit photos. I dunno I am just really not feeling it today, guys! I'm gonna watch Doctor Who and Game of Thrones and drink a beer or something. I haven't energy for anything else.

But tonight Kenna and I are going to a Q&A at the University of Utah with ZACHARY QUINTO!! No we aren't going with him (I wish), the Q&A is with him. I hope there will be an opportunity for me to get a photo with him or something, because you know me, I love a good celebrity stalking opportunity! Even so, it's gonna be awesome and maybe he will talk about Benedict Cumberbatch you never know. >__>

Outfit no. 61

Skirt: H&M, t-shirt: Skreened, blouse (worn under t-shirt): Primark, necklace and jacket: F21, shoes: c/o Oasap, belt: vintage (via Etsy), glasses: Ray-Ban

Holy moly. I am so tired. I'm not sure what it is, but I've been sleeping terribly this week! It must have something to do with the super creepy cats that come out on the roof and peer into our third-floor window in the middle of the night, their cat-shapes silhouetted against the opposite wall. So, so creepy. I really don't like cats. They are always creepin' about, waking me up, freaking Lyall out. Etc. ANYWAY I am absolutely exhausted today, and I was yesterday, and it looks like I'll probably be the same tomorrow. Thank god for caffeine, I guess? I'm utterly useless and have nothing worthwhile to say today, it seems.

I'm a bit sad because the lettering on my awesome SG-1 shirt faded in the wash. I should have known to turn it inside-out! Ugh! Oh well, it's still legible and that's all that matters. I'm also a big fan of this belt that I ordered from Etsy a while ago, although I think I need to make an extra hole for it as it's a tad too big. And it was the smallest one I could find on there. What gives, vintage belts?

And now Lyall has lost his favorite toy under the couch for the third time this afternoon, so I must take my leave and go retrieve it for him.

Outfit no. 60

Skirt and necklace: F21, Belt and shirt: H&M, sweater: Old Navy, shoes: c/o GoJane, bag: New Look, sunglasses: Ralph Lauren

Today's outfit is a bit different than usual, I suppose, in that I'm wearing a bag. And I've got earphones in. And I'm wearing sunglasses. Wacky! This is because I walked to the leasing office to pay rent, and was listening to The National, and I didn't want to stop listening and it was basically just easier to go straight from my walk to standing on the balcony without removing my bag or earphones. Cool story bro. :(

But yeah, I really like this bag! I ordered it from New Look in London, because I saw it online and couldn't find it in stores and I needed it. It's my go-to bag when I'm not going to or from work, in which case I have a bigger bag that fits all my stupid work junk (i.e. food).

Back to the music, though. I've been listening to almost nothing but The National lately, and I'm kind of obsessed. I've had their most recent album for a while, and I love it, but then I started listening to it over and over again and I sort of figured, I ought to listen to their other albums. So I did. And I can't get enough. You'll find I typically listen to rather depressing music, and if not depressing at least vaguely melancholy, so when I'm getting all pumped up about life I'll play a lively jam like "Sorrow" or "Terrible Love" and think about how beautiful everything is. I'm the worst.

Seriously though this song is amazing. I don't know what it's about but it is perfect. Look at how awkward he is. Look at him stand in the window wearing a waistcoat. So good.

Now I will go and read Clockwork Prince, because I finally got my ass to Barnes & Noble for the paperback version! Super excited for some Will/Tess snogging! I hope. There better be snogging or I'm lodging a complaint.

Outfit no. 59

Dress: Target, jacket: F21, boots: Aldo, bracelet: gift from Dad, earrings: Topshop, glasses: Ray-Ban

My post is a bit later than usual today because I had to watch Game of Thrones before doing anything else. It's obviously a number one priority. AND IT WAS AMAZING. Oh, Ser Jorah! Littlefinger, my smarmy love... All my favorite questionably moral characters in one place! I am so happy my show is back again, and I can't wait to see who else loses a nipple in upcoming episodes.

But let's not forget Doctor Who! Did all you Who fans like Saturday's episode? I'm already a fan of Clara, although I admit I was kind of smitten from the very beginning. I may have ordered this jacket from Forever21 in London for the sole reason that it reminded me of Clara's jacket from the promo photos. No regrets.

AAAND if that isn't enough fangirl fodder for you (it never is for me), today the new City of Bones trailer is released! I CAN'T BLOODY WAIT. I'm going to die of excitement before this movie ever comes out. I might have to fly to Denver just so I can see it with Shaun or something, because I feel like nobody in Salt Lake has read it and I need an RL friend to go with so we can ugly sob over Jamie Campbell Bower's face.

Sometimes my blog is just a place where I say fangirl things on the internet. I'm sorry.

Um, outfit things I guess: I won this super adorable donut pin, as well as a bunch of amazing art and hand painted jewelry, from Michelle's giveaway on her blog, Creature Type! She's a really incredible artist with fun style, and I love her blog. I was so flipping happy when I won the giveaway; I now have fun prints to hang up around the house! And amazing pins to wear! Anyway yeah, go look at her blog and stuff because I like it.

I'm gonna go reblog Game of Thrones and Doctor Who things on Tumblr now and quietly weep fangirl tears until the City of Bones trailer comes out. Why can't I hold all these feels?

Outfit no. 58

Skirt: H&M, shirt: Primark, sweatshirt and necklace: F21, jacket: F21 (via eBay), shoes: Blowfish, glasses: Ray-Ban

This is more my style than the last outfit. I felt completely comfortable in this all day yesterday, which is when I wore it. I probably overdo the whole skater skirt thing, but really... they're cute and flattering, and when I find a look that suits me, I stick to it! I'm all for experimentation, but I feel like if I know what I like to wear and what looks good on me, then there's nothing wrong with wearing a variation of the same thing every day.

My dad's coming to visit this weekend, hurray! So I'll be scheduling a post for tomorrow, and then you'll hear from me again come Monday (I assume). Not that I ever really blog over the weekends, but you know.

Outfit no. 57

Dress, bird necklace, and earrings: F21; tights: Target; shoes: Blowfish (via Amazon); blazer: H&M, bracelet: Mintgem; glasses: Ray-Ban

I don't know how I feel about today's outfit. It seemed super good in my head, but I think overall the dress ruined it. I just cannot sort out how to style this stupid dress! It's driving me crazy, and I'd just get rid of it if I hadn't made a weird pact with myself not to get rid of any of my clothes ever again. Still, at least this blazer kind of saves the whole thing from looking super frumpy/twee-town. I got it on sale for $10, and I am in love with it! It'll look better with something a bit more structured, though, I think. Dang I don't like this dress; what was I thinking.

ANYWAY. I have a non-interesting story to tell about these shoes, and a shout-out to make, but that will have its own post, so look out. 

Is it a belt? Should I be wearing a belt with this? I'm thinking maybe yes... Man, I am just not with it lately. Who am I? Where am I? Why.

I got this bracelet via Chictopia, where you like... redeem your "chic points" for "rewards." I don't really go on that site except to create traffic to my blog (shameless), so I was like what the hell! And redeemed 1k points or something for this bracelet. I actually really, really like it! I'm weird about the bracelets I'll wear, and this fits the bill. It's small enough for my wrist, delicate, and doesn't get in the way when I'm typing. Yay. Also, weirdly, the Etsy seller who made it is based in SLC! You should all check out her shop, it has some seriously cute stuff available. And I'm saying this with no compensation, I just really like her jewelry!

Picked up the bird necklace the other week at Forever21, because I can't go in there without making at least one small impulse purchase. Or many impulse purchases. It's kind of impossible not to, though, with their accessory prices. Aaand I have no idea where I got the teapot necklace. I have this feeling somebody got it for me as a present, but I'm not sure who? Maybe I bought it for myself? I don't know! Either way, it is amazing.

Now it is time to dig into the chocolate chocolate chip soft top cookies that I got at Smith's bakery because they make the best cookies EVER, aaand I'm shedding my uterine lining so I need make no excuses.