Science Boyfriends

"Hey Meg what've you been up to recen--" SHUT UP SCIENCE BOYFRIENDS.

Is basically what's been going on.

Okay I've been pretty stressed lately, what with still not being settled in, having a ton of piled up expenses waiting for a paycheck before I can take care of them, not enough time in the day, new job(s), etc. So I feel like all I've done lately is go to work, drive around Beaverton with no idea where I'm going or how I got there, and sleep. I mean today I had a fucking Snickers for dinner. It's all I've had the energy or time for. So gross what's wrong with me. Anyway, when I'm really stressed out and buzzing like a little ball of anxiety, it helps if I have something stupid and comforting to fixate on. Something that I can look forward to all day, something to wind down with after work, something that makes me happy and full of fangirl glee, preferably. And that's where Science Boyfriends come in! Yep, I am full-on obsessed with the scientists from Pacific Rim and how in love with each other they are. It's the reason I'm living right now, basically. (That and Lyall, but he's just a silly dog.) As usual I'm super lazy and can't find my own fic like a normal person, so thank you Lily for hooking me up like the amazing slashfic dealer that you are. Enabler.

Anyway I really want to write a long essay about how perfect Pacific Rim is, and how Newt Geiszler and Hermann Gottlieb's love is beyond mere words, but... I'm too tired. So let me just summarize it for you: Pacific Rim is the best movie of the year, hands down, it is on par with Thor and if you choose not to watch it I just don't know what's wrong with you and you can probably just give up on your life now. Also, these two scientists are TOTALLY banging each other!!!

The end good night.

Life Learnin'

Some things I've learned recently.

1. Don't trust people until they've earned it.
2. And don't date anyone you barely know,
3. and don't date anyone 2 months after a huge breakup.
4. Do eat pumpkin milkshakes from Burgerville.
5. Tarot can give incredible insights about your life.
6. Take your tarot reading seriously.
7. When you're hurting, stay with the ones you know will stick with you and love you for yourself. Let them heal you. Don't seek solace in the unknown.
8. I'm more grateful for my friends than I could ever express in words.
9. Charlie Day is a fucking sexy little man.
10. Pacific Rim slash fic turns out to be a major source of comfort on rough days.
11. Reconnecting with old friends is one of the best things in the world.
12. My hangovers now last for 2 days instead of one.
13. I'm never too old to learn new things.

Single

Have an irrelevant photo of last weekend's Sunday brunch! Mmm... French toast...

So I haven't been single since I was 19. There was a tiny blip, a couple of months, in 2007 when I was technically single... but it doesn't really count, because I was dating someone who I wanted to be in a relationship with, so really, I wasn't single. I've not been single since I was 19. And this is a crazy thing for me. Firstly, I don't know how to be single. I really don't. I know how to be ridiculously head-over-heels in love with someone who's wrong for me; and I know how to be in a long-term, serious, live-in, committed relationship with someone who's more a best friend than a boyfriend. But I don't know how to be single.

When I was 19, I was not the same person I am now. I was so shy, I'd never had a boyfriend, and I thought boys were these terrifying and beautiful demi-gods whose only purpose was to be lofty and unattainable. The first boy I met who was cute and talked to me and seemed vaguely geeky was, I thought, The One. He was kind of a jerk, not a good boyfriend, rarely emotionally available and was constantly blowing me off for a video game. But I didn't know any better. I thought he was the fucking shit. And I thought, if he breaks up with me, I'll never ever find anyone to love me again. I clung to him like an insane barnacle. It didn't work out.

When I was 21, I was single again in August of that year. I kissed a lot of my friends, and I got drunk and did questionable things that are totally not ever going in this blog, and I was a completely different person than I had been when I was 19. But I didn't want to be single, I didn't know how to be, and within a few months I was in love again, and five and a half years later, that relationship ended. 

So here I am, 27, actually single for the first time since I was 19. I still have no idea how to be single. I'm still a nervous wreck most of the time, cute boys simultaneously terrify me and make life worth living, and I feel like I'm the most awkward, unappealing creature on the planet most days. But I have a lot more confidence, a little more experience (very little), and an actual desire to be single. This is the first time I've wanted to be single. And that's exciting! But also scary. Still, I'm excited. This is the first time I've not been obligated to someone else in almost 8 years. This is the first time I can do everything for me, and not worry about someone else's feelings. I can get whatever tattoos or piercings I want, I can get a really stupid haircut and not have to worry about being attractive to my partner, I can flirt with whoever I want and not feel guilty, I can stay up all night or sleep in 'til 3:00pm and nobody will judge me or expect me to behave in a certain way. It's awesome. And it's barely begun. 

It amazes me that the most painful decision I've ever made has led to this feeling of freedom, relief, and ultimately happiness. I feel happy, I feel excited about life, for the first time in... a year? I love it. It's overwhelming and a bit terrifying, being single and being in charge of my own life 100%, with no partner there to catch me if I trip up, but that's exhilarating. It's what I want! And I have Lyall, after all.

I just hope I don't fuck up this whole single thing, because I have a tendency to fuck shit up. We'll see how it goes. Wish me luck.

Vehicular Transport

Aaand I have a car! Right after I blogged last Saturday, I went to check out some used cars with my friend Adam. My mom is ridiculously generous and amazing and apparently loves me, because she sent me $1000 to spend on a car. Not a lot, but enough to get an old, reliable car that runs. Which I really needed, because my new job is about a 2-hour bus ride away from where I'm currently staying, and as much as I'd love to spend 4 hours a day on the bus... yeah no I wouldn't like doing that at all. 

So with $1000 and a test drive scheduled for Saturday afternoon, we drove up to Vancouver to see the car. I think I fell in love with it before I even saw it. I'd been spending hours each day scouring Craigslist for possible new rides, and every time I saw a 1980s Volvo I'd start salivating. So big and clunky... so angular... so fucking cool! And similar in aesthetic to '80s Mercedes (aka dream car), but less expensive! Even so, most of them were out of my price range, or not running, or needed some sort of major repair work. Until I found this one. A 1988 740 Turbo, right at my price point, with only a few cosmetic issues. When I saw it, I wanted it. After I drove it, I wanted it even more. So obviously I bought it; that's what this blog post is about. And I love it. It runs great, it has badass black leather interior, a sweet new stereo, and a sunroof. 

I drove it to my first day of work today, and it felt amazing. Driving back into Portland on my way home, blasting "Wrecking Ball" (I love it okay shut up), I was beaming like crazy. I'm in Portland again, I've got my own totally pimp ride, and I'm not going anywhere. I'm fucking back.

Improvements

Well hello again! It's been a while. As you can see from the above photo of Ashleigh and me at Salt & Straw, things are improving here in Meg Land. I mean, obviously; look at that cinnamon snickerdoodle ice cream. It has big chunks of snickerdoodle in it. I KNOW. I know.

Seriously though, things are really looking up. I got a job, which is a huge relief! It is admittedly the same job I had when I lived in Portland two years ago, but I'm super grateful that they took me back, because I have to pay bills somehow, guys. This means above all that I get to stay in Portland, as long as I want, and I am so happy about that. It's all I've wanted for the past two years and now here I am, back home again, and so goddamn glad! Every day I have to remind myself that I'm not dreaming and I'm really here. It feels pretty fucking good.

I may still be living out of garbage bags and sleeping on an inflatable mattress, but who cares! That will all change soon. I can't wait to start my life here in Portland. And honestly, in the past month+ that I've been here, I've had more fun and enjoyed life more than I did in a whole year in Salt Lake City. I've been really sad, and depressed a lot of the time, but when I'm happy I'm happy; not some detached numb half-happy that I felt in Utah most of the time. 

Hopefully I'll start blogging regularly again soon. Thanks for sticking around through all of this, guys! I love you so much.