Deep Thoughts With SG-1

As you may know, I've started watching Stargate SG-1 again from the beginning. Which is no simple feat, might I point out. There are 10 seasons, with 214 episodes total, each about an hour long. So there is a lot of it. But I am ready! 100%! I just love it so, so much. And I actually -- I'm so sorry, please don't hate me -- forgot about Jonas Quinn until like five minutes ago?? I'M SORRY okay he's just not in it for very long, and he's overshadowed in my mind by Ben Browder and Claudia Black, and like, he shows up in that weird period where Daniel's gone, which was so painful for me and I still have PTSD flashbacks of Daniel's terrible thick rib ascension sweater, and it's been like five years since I watched it okay, shut up Lee. I know you're reading this.

Stargate isn't just a show for me, though. I mean it is just a show (shut up Meg stop being so pretentious), and it's entertaining and fun and emotionally engaging as hell, and I absolutely beyond adore the characters (except apparently Jonas "Forgettable" Quinn), but I'm only a few episodes into season 1 and it's already packed a pretty hefty emotional punch for me. Well. Maybe not a punch, because that implies violence. But it's emotional. An emotional... hug? This is mainly because I've watched all 214 of the episodes of the show twice now, some of them more than twice, but until now, every single episode of SG-1 I'd ever watched had been with Greg. 

I wasn't expecting to think about him as much as I have been as I begin to re-watch these episodes. But I do. And it's not a bad thing; it's comforting, even. I can remember how he reacted to certain moments. I can hear him laughing, or being annoyed at a plot inconsistency (which was all the time with Greg), or making his usual smart-ass comments. I remember exactly what he said when he noticed that Daniel had his own distinct way of talking, for example. The thing is, a year ago these memories would have been painful, if not unbearable. But now they're not. Now they're... nice? 

I feel like a weirdo saying that, but it's true! It reminds me of a time when Greg and I worked really, really well together. When we wanted the same things, liked all the same things, laughed at the same things, and just fit together really well. Because we did, for most of the time we were together. I mean we sat in our shitty tiny basement apartment in Missoula and watched every episode of SG-1 together, in order, twice. (And all of Stargate Atlantis.) We were happy just being around each other no matter where we were or what we were doing. And we had so much fun! It was a really easy, happy place for me. 

Remembering it doesn't hurt anymore, and that's amazing to me. I like feeling grateful for all the happiness and companionship Greg and I shared. It meant, and still means, a lot to me. So re-watching Stargate SG-1 isn't a painful experience, but a happy one. It reminds me of the content, comfortable moments I spent with someone I loved. I'm so glad we had each other for that time, because my experiences are richer now because of it. 

Not just in watching Stargate, although that's part of it. Living in a world where I used to love Greg, learned from him, and now am thankful for that time -- it's a good world. He helped shape the person I am today, and that will always, always mean something to me.

Who is Dr. Strange Though

So BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH as Dr. Strange, amirite!? Best news of the day, RIGHT? ...Not that I received any other news today, really, except that my N7 shirt and mug had shipped. BUT BEST NEWS THO!

I only have... one small question, a bit of a minor one, but, uh. Who's Dr. Strange?

I'M SORRY OKAY I don't know anything about comics! I didn't even know we were awaiting a casting choice for this guy, that's how oblivious I've been. But now I have a sudden and vested interest in this Dr. Strange fellow. And so, as of this very moment, I am about to embark on a Google search that will reveal the answers to me! But before I do, I'm gonna go ahead and say that my educated guess is that Dr. Strange is an amalgam of Doctor Who and Dr. Strangelove, so like a British guy in a black and white film, dressed eccentrically, traveling through time and space astride an atomic bomb. SUPER CLOSE I bet?

*performs Google search*

Okay, well. I wasn't that far off, I mean clothes-wise... but who CARES about that because holy shit, guys! Dr. Strange is THE COOLEST! I didn't even know!! Did you? Okay check this out:

!!!!! He's a neurosurgeon. Not only is he a goddamn practicing sorcerer but the Sorcerer Supreme, PRIMARY PROTECTOR OF EARTH AND A NEUROSURGEON?? I'm pregnant with his babies already. Leave me to die, there's no hope for me. Leave me I tell you! I can go no further!

...Look at his power stance though. Imagine Benedict in such a stance. Do you think he'll wear those tights and fashion-forward cape for fall? I can't take it! I just can't!

Seriously though, this is just great, now I have to figure out where to start in Thor and Dr. Strange now, not that I don't already have a heaping pile of comics to read before I die, all of which I'm sure I'll never successfully finish. Life is so goddamn difficult, guys! Mostly due to Benedict Cumberbatch! If only he had never been born!!

*weeps forever*

Postcards from Purgatory

Here are two side-by-side photographs of me holding geeky rectangular items in front of my face! 

So firstly, I started Borderlands a few days ago. I did this for three reasons. I know you're all way curious to know these reasons, so let me outline them for you in a numbered list!

Reasons Meg Started Playing Borderlands:

1. I needed a new game to play in an attempt to distract me from my all-consuming impatience as I wait for Dragon Age: Inquisition to come out, and everyone (like two people I guess) said it was super good and that I'd like it.

2. I wanted to cancel out my previous experience with the series, which was playing co-op Borderlands 2 with my ex Greg, the most stressful and frustrating gaming experience of our time. It was only my second time ever playing an FPS (the first being about ten minutes of shitting my pants in Left 4 Dead with no idea how to use a 360 controller and getting dog-piled by shrieking zombies, or was that my own shrieking, idk).

So Borderlands 2 was my sad attempt to bond with Greg, as video games were one of the only ways to do that, and it was terrible. He's really good at games and an extraordinarily fast reader, so he would just barrel through every quest, not giving me time to read the objectives or figure out what I was doing in any way. It resulted in me firing my gun wildly into the sky at nothing and then dying, in quick succession, over and over. I never had any idea what was going on, where we were, or how to fucking aim my gun or walk anywhere without getting stuck in a corner.

LONG STORY SHORT: I am traumatized by that experience and would like to replace it with a positive one! Yeahhh positive gaming experiences! There's actually a lot of satisfaction that's come from being able to play games, enjoy them, and most of all be good (relatively) at them without Greg's presence to pressure me, or help me, or do it for me. I've taken gaming and made it my own, and I'm super proud of myself for that?

3. I wanna talk to Stacey about it. Let's be real, all of my gaming-related decisions in life from now on are going to hinge heavily on Stacey. Is she playing the game? I WANNA PLAY TOO. Is she not playing the game? I DON'T WANNA PLAY EITHER. Am I excited about a game series that Stacey has not yet played? NAG HER UNTIL SHE DOES. Sorry, Staceyyyy I love you (too much).

So there you have it. I've played a couple hours of it so far (pretty much nothing), but already it's a million times more enjoyable than my experience with Borderlands 2. It's more difficult than other games I've played, mostly because there's no ~casual~ mode (wtf, guys? What are fake gamer girls like me to do when there's only one difficulty setting??), but I'm quickly getting the hang of it! I was busy all weekend fucking around with this stupid blog, but I'm excited to play more this week! Will keep you guys updated because I know you super care.

SECONDLY, and here's the best thing that's happened to me in probably my entire life: Stacey's Purgatory postcard finally showed up omfg!!!

No, you don't understand. A couple months ago now, when we were in the throes of full-on Mass Effect obsession (we still kinda are), Stacey sent me a series of postcards over the space of a few weeks, all from various places in Mass Effect. I got postcards from Illium, the Citadel, Feros, and one from Omega. I eagerly checked the mail every day when I got home from work, hoping for the next one and shrieking with delight every time it arrived. But when the final postcard from Purgatory didn't come, and didn't come... and still didn't come, Stacey grew worried. She asked if I had received it and I said I hadn't, even though she'd sent it. Where could it have gone?? We wondered if it got lost in the mail, if it went to the wrong address, if I'd accidentally thrown it out with junk mail. We were both devastated. The postcards had been telling a story, and I was forced to accept the fact that I would never know how that story ended.

This all took place, as I said, months ago. And then on Friday I checked my mail, pulling out the usual junk and the electric bill. But I felt one more piece of mail in there and pulled it out. And I SCREAMED. Like, I'm hoping none of my neighbors were home because I straight shouted "OH MY GOD!!" and started jumping up and down on the front step. THE POSTCARD HAD FINALLY ARRIVED FROM PURGATORY. And as I read the final chapter in the saga of Stacey Shepard and friends finally making their way back to Earth and to me, I shed a tear. No, I cried. It was an actual tear. I say that I'm crying a lot on social media, and you may think that's an exaggeration, but I swear to you that 98% of the time I'm literally crying. Just as I was in this case.

It was so emotional and I'm just beyond happy that the postcard arrived at last! I wonder what it was doing that whole time? Did it go to the wrong address? If so, did the recipient have any earthly idea what the fuck any of it meant? Because obviously they would have read it. I would have read it. And I like to think that they were transported, if only for a moment, to another world... a world among the stars, stranger and more fantastic than any they could have imagined, a world of adventure, rare beauty... and sexy aliens.

REBRAND'D (ew)

Welp! I did it! After about fifty years of dicking around with various header ideas, buttons, backgrounds, and all manner of super annoying html tweaking, I did the thing! I changed my blog title and URL! Obvs! I didn't realize I could actually do that (thank you Elizabeth, what in god's name would I do without you), so once I realized I could, that's what I did. So hopefully, you know, this isn't incredibly inconvenient for everyone and we can just carry on as usual.

So. I guess, welcome to I Just Can't??? Probably the stupidest blog title to ever exist in the history of blogs, but... whatever. I almost called it Feels on Wheels so let's all just be thankful I didn't go that route! Regardless, now I feel more comfortable about posting here as it's no longer reminding me of that jerkface Steven Moffat ruining my (used-to-be) favorite show.

And now, business as usual. I was thinking today about what my Stargate tattoo is going to look like/where it will be. Wait, what Stargate tattoo you ask? The one that was meant to be my first tattoo! I got so close to getting it that I even called a tattoo shop in Missoula before I moved to Portland in 2010 to ask about a consultation, but for whatever reason I chickened out and didn't actually schedule one. So I never got the tattoo. I even cajoled a friend into making a cool minimalist vector rendering of a Stargate and everything, only to back out like a little manbaby. Then of course I fell head over heels for Eleven, the TARDIS happened, and the Stargate didn't.

I still want to get a Stargate tattoo, though, which is where this whole ramble is going. I don't think I want it to be as boring as I was originally planning, and was thinking of doing something like my Shep, leaning toward a more traditional tattoo style with Gin's style thrown in? Because I would most definitely go to her again, after the amazing work she did on Shep. I'd certainly want flowers or botanicals of some sort framing the Stargate, and then I'm thinking... left thigh? Or left shoulder blade. The only thing about shoulder blade tattoos is you never see them, and admiring my tattoos is kinda one of my favorite pastimes.

Oh well, I'll sort something out by the time I feel like throwing $600 at a tattoo again, which hopefully won't be for a long while. My wallet is hurting (as usual).

Update on Meg drunkenly maybe ordering Hawkeye comics! It didn't happen. Sadly? Or happily, for my wallet. Shut up, wallet. Next time.

Something New

Hi! So. Here's the thing. I want to re-brand. I'm not sure even what that means (it sounds gross?), but I want to do it. Back when I made this blog, "bow ties are cool" meant something to me. It was important. But it doesn't mean the same thing to me anymore. Or maybe I'm just really angry at Steven Moffat for being the worst? Either way, it's not me. I'm not sure if I want to simply rename the blog and keep the url, or buy a domain and redirect this url to that domain, or... what, exactly. I may even start a completely new blog, and keep updating this one as my more personal, life-y blog.

Because what I really want to focus on is geeky shit, and I want that to be my whole ~thing~. I know I do that already here, but it seems out of place, or just... weird to me. I feel like I've grown out of this blog, or I need something new and fresh, but it doesn't feel right. I want to talk about the comics I've been reading (I'm getting into comics now, yay!), and the video games I've been playing, and the movies and TV shows I've been watching, without feeling like I'm cluttering up this blog, which has seen so many different things over the years and maybe is too old and stale for me now. What do you guys think? I'm really torn.

I will say, though, that I'm KIND OF tipsy and just put a bunch of Matt Fraction's Hawkeye volumes in my Amazon shopping cart so like, that might happen. Momentarily. Also Saga vol. 3. Help me.

No seriously help me.

P.S. DRAGON AGE: INQUISITION SOON AMIRITE.

P.P.S. N7 DAY SOON AMIRITE.

Shepard Tattoo: Complete!

Okay hi, I haven't blogged in forever! Mostly because I've been dealing with not-very-crippling anxiety and depression, which is just crippling enough to make me not want to put myself out there very much, both in real life and online. It's okay, it's being dealt with and isn't that big of a deal, but I thought I'd explain!

That said, I wanted to share my beautiful Commander Shepard tattoo with you guys now that she's healed. I love her so, so much. I'm thrilled with her, she means the world to me, and I'm so happy with her I want to die. The artist, Gin Hicks, is incredible. She really, really is. My crappy selfies do not do justice to her delicate linework or her subtle coloring. It's such a lovely tattoo and well worth every penny. If you live in Portland or nearby I would highly recommend her! She's attentive, listened to what I wanted, and even though I gave her a lot of artistic freedom, she came up with a piece that I'm so proud to wear. I want to cry just looking at it.

Back in July I blogged about my feels regarding Commander Shepard (from the game Mass Effect, obvs), which will give you a tiny bit of an idea of just how much I adore her. It's hard talking about my love for Shep without sounding like a complete freak who is 100% removed from normal society and real life in any form. I have a hard enough time articulating my love for Mass Effect itself without feeling like a cray cray, and there are plenty of people out there who I know love it just as much as I do.

Shepard is, to be totally honest, my first real fictional female hero. I fall for male characters all the time. I identify with them, lust after them, admire them, take inspiration from them. But I've never felt quite the same way about any female characters, until now. And Shepard blows them all out of the water. She is everything to me. If she were real, I would kill for her. I would die for her if she asked. I wish I was exaggerating but I'm pretty sure I'm not?? I would legitimately sacrifice my life for Shepard's cause. I'd follow her into hell, and I wouldn't follow the Doctor there. Shepard is a fucking force. She means so much to me I get physical pangs sometimes when I think about her, okay. In my chest. Physical chest pangs.

Whatever you guys, it's fine it's not a big deal. It's fine.

Anyway, I think David Anderson, a superior officer in the Systems Alliance Navy, puts it well (and in a way that makes me weep like a tiny child every time I listen to the voice recording in his apartment):

Thing is, you never heard a complaint. Never once got 'No, sir. I can't do that.' She never hesitated. Few people know what Shepard's been through. I'd like to think I come pretty close. And I worry sometimes she forgets: there's a whole bunch of people who lose sleep over her getting back home. Maybe it doesn't need to be said. Maybe we're too dumb to say it. 

Soldiers like the Commander are rare. Women like Shepard... even more rare.