Friday, February 15, 2013

Outfit no. 45

Skirt: F21, t-shirt: Skreened, jacket: River Island, shoes: Payless, glasses: Ray-Ban

I am super duper ridiculously excited about this shirt! Like, so super excited that I spent $22 on it and I normally won't spend more than like $7 on a t-shirt. I was poking about on the various nerdy t-shirt sites like Qwertee, Teefury, and Redbubble, and the second I saw this one I knew I would spend whatever ridiculous amount of money they were asking for it. Stargate SG-1 will always live in a special place in my heart. Originally my first tattoo was going to be a Stargate on my inner right arm, but a year or so later I went with the TARDIS on my left arm instead. There's still a spot waiting for a Stargate, though, and one day... one day I will get that tattoo. Until then I'll simply wear t-shirts with team SG-1's names on them. DEFINITELY gonna wear this one to Denver Comic Con when I go!

In my last post I mentioned that I wanted to lose 6 pounds. Today I got an email from someone being all like "DON'T LOSE WEIGHT YOU ARE PERFECT!" First it annoyed me, but then it got me to thinking. Women are bombarded with way too many conflicting messages when it comes to our bodies and our weight, and it's fucking dumb. We're told by magazines and the like that we need to be thin in order to be happy; we need to lose weight and diet and exercise, so we can be not fat. But then we're also told, by our friends and by those same magazines and the internet and all other media, that it's not healthy to diet all the time and we need to learn to love our bodies as they are. Body confidence! Women of all shapes and sizes! Real women! Get skinny! Learn how Beyonce lost the baby weight! ...It's like, what the hell are we supposed to believe? Am I supposed to learn to love the body that's pissing me off, or am I supposed to lose weight to be skinnier and more acceptable to society?

The thing is, women (and men, and everyone else) shouldn't have to feel like we need to apologize for our bodies and the choices we make about our bodies. Because, let's be honest here, sometimes we don't love our bodies. Sometimes we hate our bodies. And that's OKAY. It's fucking okay, okay? It's not a mortal sin to look at your tummy or your thighs in the mirror and go, "I hate this and I want to make it go away." It's also completely okay to say, "I think this is all right and I'm leaving it the way it is!" Both are fine. I am tired of feeling as though I have to make explanations for why I'm doing something to my body, as though it belongs to anyone else but me.

Look. Girls like to tell each other, "Noooo you don't need to lose weight you are already so tiny!" But we should probably stop saying it. Firstly, because it's not up to me or you what our friends decide to do with their bodies, their diets, anything. And it's ridiculous to assume that just because we think our friends look cute as they are, that they shouldn't do something they want to do to make themselves feel more attractive, confident, whatever. And I guarantee we aren't all saying this out of the kindness of our hearts, either. Every single time I say this to someone, what I mean to say is, "Ugh no don't lose weight, you'll make me feel even fatter! You'll make me feel like I need to lose weight too! You'll get skinny and I'll stay lazy and fat, don't do it!" And I know that most of the time, that's exactly what other girls mean when they say it to their friends too. So don't say it. It's rude.

I mean, a few years ago I weighed over 30 lbs more than I do right now. It was the actual worst. I hated everything about my body. I wanted to carve the fat off my bones with a kitchen knife. So I joined Weight Watchers. And lost over 30 lbs. Now a lot of people will want me to say, "BUT I STILL FELT INSECURE AND UGLY ANYWAY" but I didn't. I felt cute again. I felt confident again. I felt fucking. Awesome. Not because I started eating healthy and exercising, though I'm sure it helped a bit. Nope. Because I lost weight. Because I was skinnier. Because I felt attractive, and I'd accomplished something to get there, and I could fit into size XS again.

Honestly, I feel better when I'm at a weight I'm comfortable with. I feel cuter, more confident, happier. I feel ugly and gross and angry when I've gained weight. And it's within my rights to lose that weight. Nobody should tell me not to do it, because it has nothing to do with them! Just like it has nothing to do with anybody when it comes to a woman's (or man's or anyone else's) body. I do what I want, when I want, how I want, when it comes to my body.

So, I'm sorry if I look too skinny or whatever to be losing 6 lbs, but I don't really care what you think. I just want to be happy and do what I want. As should you.

Wow that became a rant and I didn't mean it to be. Oh well, I'm never one to shy away from a rant, especially when it comes to like... ~feminism~ and ~body image~. I will now go take a shower because my hair is so greasy it's like I poured a whole thing of olive oil on my scalp.

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