Melancholy

I don't know what my deal is, but I've been feeling super out of sorts for the past several days. Going to see Her definitely didn't help. I loved it, but it brought me to a dark post-breakup place. I was identifying with every depressing moment, and there were so many breakups in that movie, way too many, and too many "we grew up together but now we need to go our separate ways but I'll always care about you no matter what you do in life, goodbye" moments (okay maybe just one) where I was just like, FUCK, this is too close to home.

Lately I've been wishing I'd had more resolution with Greg. The way we left it felt so stupid and incomplete. Greg reacted very differently than what I'd expected, or what I suspect he expected, when we broke up. I wanted to be able to speak to each other like adults, and say goodbye, and say thank you for being with me for almost a fifth of my life, and hug, and recognize that this was something we both knew had to happen. I mean he'd practically tried to kick me out the door only weeks before. But he didn't allow any of that. He closed himself off. When I tried to say goodbye, he said, "Enjoy." That was it. After five and a half years, that was his goodbye. And I feel like an idiot for saying this, considering it's been over six months, but it still hurts. A lot. I wish we'd said goodbye, at least.

Maybe one day I'll be okay enough to actually call him and tell him what I wanted to tell him six months ago. Or maybe one day I'll just stop caring and let it go.

I'm just tired of being sad as fuck. I have to remind myself sometimes that I don't feel this way because my life is falling apart, or because everything around me has become inherently upsetting; I feel this way because my brain chemistry is kinda fucked up. Which is okay, but also really annoying. But whatever, I'm used to it. In a few days it'll pass, if not sooner, and life will be a giant pile of awesome again. Until then, I'm staying in bed and watching House of Cards.