Sunday, March 2, 2014

Spinster Forever

Sometimes I'm pretty convinced I'm going to die a spinster.

I don't mean it in a self-pitying, pathetic, pessimistic, feel-sorry-for-me kind of way. I mean that every so often I feel fully convinced that nobody could ever live up to my standards. Which probably makes me sound like a bitch, or delusional, or irrationally picky, but there it is.

I always thought that the more people I dated the more my standards would lower, the more I'd realize that a guy doesn't have to be Mr. Darcy to win my heart or whatever. But every breakup, and every experience I've had dating men, makes me feel more and more like I might just be single forever. I just keep adding more and more traits to the list of things I don't want in a partner, and more traits to the list of things I do want. The criteria just keep adding up. I'm almost 99% certain that I'll never find a guy who's 5'11" or taller, loves tiny dogs, can take part in entire conversations based on internet memes, is a feminist, and is hilarious and hot. I am at the point where I'm in the movie Practical Magic and I've made up a perfect man who couldn't possibly exist, but since it's my life and not a Sandra Bullock movie, nobody is going to come swanning into my life in the form of Aidan Quinn, my impossible soulmate.

I want to clarify: I'm not exactly upset about this. Not yet, anyway. But... it's worrying. And maybe when I meet the right person, all of these "necessary" traits will just fade into the background because this mythical guy will be so great. And I don't think I would limit myself from dating people based on some of my criteria, because people aren't black and white like that, and neither is life. ...But some of these criteria are very important to me (i.e. all of them).

I don't know. I'm in a mood. Every time I come home from a party after I've sobered up after a night of drinking, I either cry a lot or get really introspective and emo. And I realize it's only been six months since Greg and I broke up, but I find myself wondering if I wouldn't just be happier living alone forever. I mean, how could I ever get to know anyone well enough now? I feel too old to form any brand new bonds that are supposed to last a lifetime. Shouldn't I have those all sorted out by now? I'm happy with my friends as they are. How could any stranger even begin to fill the role in my life that my friends fill now, or that Greg filled? I know I'm only 27, and I'm being maudlin. But still. Sometimes I don't know if I have it in me to do all of that again. I'd have to make myself completely vulnerable to a new person, and teach that person all about my life for 27 fucking years, and learn all about his life, and his past relationships, and that just seems exhausting at this point. And maybe not even worth it. Plus, the guy who might be worth it probably doesn't even fucking exist.

Again: I'm not trying to have a pity party here. I'm not even crying, and I'm listening to sad music, so you know it's not that bad. I'm just having a very long think. And it's probably totally irrational, because hey, it's 4:30am and I spent the evening drinking, but. Still. It seems extremely unlikely that I'm ever going to meet someone who could ever suit me. And that is a super annoying thought.

Oh well. Fuck it. I always have Lyall.

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