Monday, February 17, 2014

Chronic Bitchface

Shaun and me bitchfacin' at Hampton Court Palace, Henry XVIII style.

So I know we've all talked about bitchy resting face, or bitchface, or whatever you wanna call it, a whole bunch already. In the world, I mean. Not on this blog. But I'm gonna talk about it again because it's a problem. Like, I'm genuinely worried that this is a problem for me.

Background: As long as I can remember, literally -- I'm not hyperbolizing -- people have been all, "Ugh Meg y r u glaring at me" and I am never glaring at them. I get it all the time. Friends have said it. Family members. Strange men at office parties, even. And then I have to explain that I wasn't glaring, in fact I wasn't even looking at them; I just happened to glance in their direction and the power of my bitchface aimed vaguely in their direction caught their notice. Nobody ever believes me, either. Like, why would I be just sitting here glaring at everyone? What kind of crazy do you think I am?

Another layer on top of my bitchface is the fact that I'm an introvert, and shy around new people, so people like to assume that because I'm silent and angry-looking, I must be judging everyone. I mean I am judging everyone, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be friends! Anyway, long story short, people often very quickly draw the conclusion that I am aloof and bitchy.

Which shouldn't bother me, and for the most part it doesn't, because people who I genuinely want to get to know will figure out sooner or later that I'm not a judgy snob. Because I let them. Eventually. But I've only recently realized, or rather started worrying, that my bitchface will get in the way when I start trying to date. And by date I mean getting hit on by random dudes in bars. Because I'm pretty sure the reason that nobody (in the United States; fuck this country) has ever hit on me is because I look severely unapproachable. And that is annoying! Because I would like cute hipsters to buy me drinks once in a while. Or even just be like, "you're the prettiest girl in the club okay bye" like British dudes are capable of doing, but not Portland ones I guess? What the fuck, Portland hipster dudes. Way to not have any game at all.

Although, I have been told that Portland is really bad for meeting people in bars and things. I don't know what "and things" are. I've not been in the dating scene for very long. Is this true? Portlanders: weigh in.

Anyway. I'm stressing about this, guys. I'm genuinely stressing. Am I gonna have to make moves on guys now? Do I have to smile like a creeper forever in bar settings? How will I ever meet the dude who fulfills my very strict boyfriend criteria if he's put off by my unintentional glares? LIFE IS HARD.

I mean okay, full disclosure, the last thing I want right now is a boyfriend. But I had to speak up as a life-long sufferer of bitchy resting face. This is something that so many of us put up with daily! Dudes assuming we're glaring, girls assuming we're judging. It has got to stop. Next time you see a girl who seems to be glaring at you, give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she's admiring your fly coat, or wishing her hair was as great as yours, and she just can't help the fact that her face has contorted into a bitchy glare. It just happens to some people.

But seriously how will I ever get anyone to date me with this affliction.


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