Fuck Yeah 2014

It's almost 2014, guys! Hurray! When you read this it will almost certainly already be 2014. And that is a good thing.

2013 wasn't my best year. It was, for the most part, a barren stretch of time in which I went to work, came home, felt sorry for myself, went to bed, woke up, you get it. And that was rough. It was easy and it was a routine, but I was so unhappy that I don't even know who I was for that six plus months or so, after I came down from the high of being in the same country as Greg again. I was so, so unhappy in Utah. What an awful part of my life. Important, and probably necessary in some things-happen-for-a-reason sort of way, but I'm so glad it's over.

The stupid part is that I don't think I would have realized how unhappy I was, or how much I wanted to leave, unless Greg hadn't told me himself that he had planned to break up with me over some major future life plans he'd casually made without me, but thought he'd let me make that decision myself. And it took being told finally, after five and a half years of him dodging any discussion of the topic, that my partner hadn't thought about marriage at all, to realize that I needed to go back to Portland. I had this completely skewed idea of what my life and my relationship were like, or what they were going to be like, and I was just waiting for something that would never happen. So I decided to leave, because I was depressed and lonely and stifled, and if he liked it then he should've put a fucking ring on it.

Thank god he didn't, though.

It's almost 2014 and I'm in an honest mood. More honest than usual, which is a lot. But I take pride in the fact that I don't sugar coat things on my blog, or anywhere for that matter. It's probably a turn-off to a lot of people, and it leaves me more vulnerable than I might otherwise be, but I don't know how to close myself off. I kind of wish I did, to be honest. Sometimes.

I'm looking forward to 2014 because it will be devoid of Utah, completely. It will be whatever I want to make of it, and that is amazing. I have two comic cons planned, I'm saving up for my next tattoo -- holy shit I can get whatever tattoos I want now, it's like I'm in charge of my own body or something omg -- and hopefully I'll do something worthwhile with my writing.

The idea of a clean slate is just the most appealing thing in the world to me right now. I'm tired of all the loss, the grief, the loneliness. I'm so much happier and more alive now than I was only a few months ago, and I'm ready for my breakup to not be a huge part of my current identity. How about I just focus on being awesome.

Fuck exes, fuck Utah, fuck self-pity. Fuck yes, 2014!

8 Minutes Idle

Tom Hughes has cheekbones. (via)

All right everyone! I'm plugging a thing. Get ready. It's a good thing I promise.

So as most of you know, I was sort of recently living in London, doing an MA program in Creative Writing at Brunel Uni. For my dissertation I got to work with Matt Thorne, one of the instructors of the Novel Writing program, whose book Eight Minutes Idle was being adapted to film at the time. Matt co-wrote the screenplay, and when the film was finished he invited Lucy and me to a screening in Soho. I absolutely loved it; it had a distinctly British indie feel, whatever that means to you, and was sweet and quirky without being twee. You would like it. Also it's about people who work in a call center, and you know everyone has had that one shitty call center job!

After the screening I kept sending Matt nagging emails, asking him when the film would be released, why he hadn't written a sequel yet, etc., and he said they had yet to find a distributor. Well they eventually found one, only the distributor promptly went bankrupt before the film could be released. Sad trombone.

Now the important bit! 8 Minutes Idle has now turned to Kickstarter, where they are trying to raise £20,000 to bring the film to cinemas. You can read more at the Guardian, and their Kickstarter page is here. Also check out IMDb for a plot summary and stuff.

So far they've raised quite a lot (£16,930), but I thought I would boost the signal here on my blog because it's a really great film, and I want it to get its ass to cinemas so I can force everyone I know in the UK to go and see it! I know a lot of my readers are in the US, and may not be able to see the film for some time after its hopeful release date of Valentine's Day 2014, but it's a project worth supporting! Not least of all because Matt helped me write my horrible rambling novel, and his awesome movie really deserves to be seen by the public.

SO BACK THIS THANG. 

There are only 9 days to go, so even if you don't contribute, boost the signal!

Also look at Tom Hughes and those cheekbones, guys. Those cheekbones have got to be worth $8 at least.

Grief

I've been so busy and so distracted lately that I forgot to grieve.

Not that I thought I was over Greg. Though I'm not sure how you define being "over" someone. Are you over him when you no longer want to fall asleep in his arms every night? Or are you over him when the vaguest thought of him doesn't make you want to cry? Maybe you're truly over him when you don't think of him at all.

I'm none of those things sometimes, and at other times I am more than one. I've found it has nothing to do with the time of day, or the music I'm listening to, or how much sleep I got the night before. It just happens, and one moment I'll be at work sipping 7-Eleven coffee, the next minute I'm holding back tears. And there are, maybe, entire days that pass where I don't have a single conscious thought of him.

Perhaps there's not a set definition for getting over someone. You just move on with your life, and as the days slip by, the memories soften and blur. They begin to hurt less. And soon enough, they hardly come at all. There is no line to cross, no moment of being over him. Just like there is no moment of falling in love, or out of it. It's a feeling that builds, is cultivated, and then fades away. For me, anyway. Even when I was hurt by the person I loved, I didn't fall out of love with him in an instant. I didn't suddenly snap out of that reality and into one where my heart wasn't his entirely. 

So I guess I'll never really know exactly when I'm over Greg. There won't be a flash or a moment of clarity. I suppose I'll be minding my own business, doing my own thing, and I'll think of Greg and think -- he doesn't matter now. The feelings will be gone, and I'll realize that I haven't thought of him in weeks or maybe months, and... it will be okay. I'll be happy, and I won't mind. I'll have moved on.

Part of me wants that day to come quickly, but it's a small part. Most of me wants to hold on to these feelings and memories that are still important. That are still raw, and rough, and tender. Five and a half years with someone is a long time. Almost a fifth of my life. It meant so much to me, and it was so happy for so long that I can't bear the thought of it ever not hurting a little, to think about. I can't bear the idea that Greg won't always evoke a physical pain, however small, when I think of him.

But I can't hold onto it forever. And I guess, objectively, I don't want to.

There have been so many distractions. Moving, and new jobs, and dates, and new boys, and becoming overwhelmed with new boys, and withdrawing, and friends who need me, and friends who I need. I haven't had much of a chance to be with myself and grieve.

But here I am now, and I feel like life is finally starting to slow down. Not too much, but just enough for me to breathe. So I think about Greg more and more, because the memories don't hurt as much as they did. They squeeze but they don't pinch, so I let myself remember and cry. It feels so good to cry. It feels so, so good. 

I miss him so much. I will never have anything but love for him, and fondness, but it was time to move on. So we did. And now I get to grieve.

Gratitude

I'm not sure how many times I can say it before it becomes completely annoying and even nonsensical, but. I'm gonna say it again. I am so glad I'm back in Portland. So. Fucking. Glad.

Sometimes I think about the alternate universe that split off from this one when I decided to break up with Greg and leave Utah behind. There's a Meg living in that universe, still in Utah, probably still unhappy and lost and alone and wondering if things are ever going to get better. She may be more comfortable than I am at present -- both financially, emotionally, and psychologically -- but I would never trade my universe for hers. Not for anything. 

There are moments when I'm brought vividly back to what my headspace was like in Utah. Thinking I would never, ever again get to live in Portland. That I'd never live in the same city as my best friends again. That I'd never get to feel quite as at home as I do in Portland. And then I come back to the present, and here I am, back home, and it feels so incredibly good. Every day after work when I come through that tunnel and see downtown all lit up, I am so goddamn grateful. And driving to work, I look at the big, ridiculous Portland, Oregon sign facing the Burnside bridge and I feel more excited about life than I ever did in Utah.

Yeah, there have been a lot of shit moments in the past two months. Countless ones. I cry all the time, I feel lonely and sad and anxious at least once every day. But I'm experiencing life, not just letting it happen around me, and that is infinitely better than settling into a rut. I remind myself every day that the rest of my life is what I make of it, that I'm in my favorite city in the world, and that no matter what happens, I am living.

And shit, I get to meet good friends for Thai after work and drive through the rain and read fanfic as much as I want and make plans to see Thor: The Dark World with the people I love most in the world. If that isn't something to be grateful for, I don't know what is.

I'm so, so fucking grateful. For everything.

Science Boyfriends

"Hey Meg what've you been up to recen--" SHUT UP SCIENCE BOYFRIENDS.

Is basically what's been going on.

Okay I've been pretty stressed lately, what with still not being settled in, having a ton of piled up expenses waiting for a paycheck before I can take care of them, not enough time in the day, new job(s), etc. So I feel like all I've done lately is go to work, drive around Beaverton with no idea where I'm going or how I got there, and sleep. I mean today I had a fucking Snickers for dinner. It's all I've had the energy or time for. So gross what's wrong with me. Anyway, when I'm really stressed out and buzzing like a little ball of anxiety, it helps if I have something stupid and comforting to fixate on. Something that I can look forward to all day, something to wind down with after work, something that makes me happy and full of fangirl glee, preferably. And that's where Science Boyfriends come in! Yep, I am full-on obsessed with the scientists from Pacific Rim and how in love with each other they are. It's the reason I'm living right now, basically. (That and Lyall, but he's just a silly dog.) As usual I'm super lazy and can't find my own fic like a normal person, so thank you Lily for hooking me up like the amazing slashfic dealer that you are. Enabler.

Anyway I really want to write a long essay about how perfect Pacific Rim is, and how Newt Geiszler and Hermann Gottlieb's love is beyond mere words, but... I'm too tired. So let me just summarize it for you: Pacific Rim is the best movie of the year, hands down, it is on par with Thor and if you choose not to watch it I just don't know what's wrong with you and you can probably just give up on your life now. Also, these two scientists are TOTALLY banging each other!!!

The end good night.

Life Learnin'

Some things I've learned recently.

1. Don't trust people until they've earned it.
2. And don't date anyone you barely know,
3. and don't date anyone 2 months after a huge breakup.
4. Do eat pumpkin milkshakes from Burgerville.
5. Tarot can give incredible insights about your life.
6. Take your tarot reading seriously.
7. When you're hurting, stay with the ones you know will stick with you and love you for yourself. Let them heal you. Don't seek solace in the unknown.
8. I'm more grateful for my friends than I could ever express in words.
9. Charlie Day is a fucking sexy little man.
10. Pacific Rim slash fic turns out to be a major source of comfort on rough days.
11. Reconnecting with old friends is one of the best things in the world.
12. My hangovers now last for 2 days instead of one.
13. I'm never too old to learn new things.

Single

Have an irrelevant photo of last weekend's Sunday brunch! Mmm... French toast...

So I haven't been single since I was 19. There was a tiny blip, a couple of months, in 2007 when I was technically single... but it doesn't really count, because I was dating someone who I wanted to be in a relationship with, so really, I wasn't single. I've not been single since I was 19. And this is a crazy thing for me. Firstly, I don't know how to be single. I really don't. I know how to be ridiculously head-over-heels in love with someone who's wrong for me; and I know how to be in a long-term, serious, live-in, committed relationship with someone who's more a best friend than a boyfriend. But I don't know how to be single.

When I was 19, I was not the same person I am now. I was so shy, I'd never had a boyfriend, and I thought boys were these terrifying and beautiful demi-gods whose only purpose was to be lofty and unattainable. The first boy I met who was cute and talked to me and seemed vaguely geeky was, I thought, The One. He was kind of a jerk, not a good boyfriend, rarely emotionally available and was constantly blowing me off for a video game. But I didn't know any better. I thought he was the fucking shit. And I thought, if he breaks up with me, I'll never ever find anyone to love me again. I clung to him like an insane barnacle. It didn't work out.

When I was 21, I was single again in August of that year. I kissed a lot of my friends, and I got drunk and did questionable things that are totally not ever going in this blog, and I was a completely different person than I had been when I was 19. But I didn't want to be single, I didn't know how to be, and within a few months I was in love again, and five and a half years later, that relationship ended. 

So here I am, 27, actually single for the first time since I was 19. I still have no idea how to be single. I'm still a nervous wreck most of the time, cute boys simultaneously terrify me and make life worth living, and I feel like I'm the most awkward, unappealing creature on the planet most days. But I have a lot more confidence, a little more experience (very little), and an actual desire to be single. This is the first time I've wanted to be single. And that's exciting! But also scary. Still, I'm excited. This is the first time I've not been obligated to someone else in almost 8 years. This is the first time I can do everything for me, and not worry about someone else's feelings. I can get whatever tattoos or piercings I want, I can get a really stupid haircut and not have to worry about being attractive to my partner, I can flirt with whoever I want and not feel guilty, I can stay up all night or sleep in 'til 3:00pm and nobody will judge me or expect me to behave in a certain way. It's awesome. And it's barely begun. 

It amazes me that the most painful decision I've ever made has led to this feeling of freedom, relief, and ultimately happiness. I feel happy, I feel excited about life, for the first time in... a year? I love it. It's overwhelming and a bit terrifying, being single and being in charge of my own life 100%, with no partner there to catch me if I trip up, but that's exhilarating. It's what I want! And I have Lyall, after all.

I just hope I don't fuck up this whole single thing, because I have a tendency to fuck shit up. We'll see how it goes. Wish me luck.

Vehicular Transport

Aaand I have a car! Right after I blogged last Saturday, I went to check out some used cars with my friend Adam. My mom is ridiculously generous and amazing and apparently loves me, because she sent me $1000 to spend on a car. Not a lot, but enough to get an old, reliable car that runs. Which I really needed, because my new job is about a 2-hour bus ride away from where I'm currently staying, and as much as I'd love to spend 4 hours a day on the bus... yeah no I wouldn't like doing that at all. 

So with $1000 and a test drive scheduled for Saturday afternoon, we drove up to Vancouver to see the car. I think I fell in love with it before I even saw it. I'd been spending hours each day scouring Craigslist for possible new rides, and every time I saw a 1980s Volvo I'd start salivating. So big and clunky... so angular... so fucking cool! And similar in aesthetic to '80s Mercedes (aka dream car), but less expensive! Even so, most of them were out of my price range, or not running, or needed some sort of major repair work. Until I found this one. A 1988 740 Turbo, right at my price point, with only a few cosmetic issues. When I saw it, I wanted it. After I drove it, I wanted it even more. So obviously I bought it; that's what this blog post is about. And I love it. It runs great, it has badass black leather interior, a sweet new stereo, and a sunroof. 

I drove it to my first day of work today, and it felt amazing. Driving back into Portland on my way home, blasting "Wrecking Ball" (I love it okay shut up), I was beaming like crazy. I'm in Portland again, I've got my own totally pimp ride, and I'm not going anywhere. I'm fucking back.

Improvements

Well hello again! It's been a while. As you can see from the above photo of Ashleigh and me at Salt & Straw, things are improving here in Meg Land. I mean, obviously; look at that cinnamon snickerdoodle ice cream. It has big chunks of snickerdoodle in it. I KNOW. I know.

Seriously though, things are really looking up. I got a job, which is a huge relief! It is admittedly the same job I had when I lived in Portland two years ago, but I'm super grateful that they took me back, because I have to pay bills somehow, guys. This means above all that I get to stay in Portland, as long as I want, and I am so happy about that. It's all I've wanted for the past two years and now here I am, back home again, and so goddamn glad! Every day I have to remind myself that I'm not dreaming and I'm really here. It feels pretty fucking good.

I may still be living out of garbage bags and sleeping on an inflatable mattress, but who cares! That will all change soon. I can't wait to start my life here in Portland. And honestly, in the past month+ that I've been here, I've had more fun and enjoyed life more than I did in a whole year in Salt Lake City. I've been really sad, and depressed a lot of the time, but when I'm happy I'm happy; not some detached numb half-happy that I felt in Utah most of the time. 

Hopefully I'll start blogging regularly again soon. Thanks for sticking around through all of this, guys! I love you so much.

#yolo

It's difficult starting a blog post without saying something to the effect of, "My life sucks and I am sad." But that's to be expected, I guess, so I shouldn't feel bad. It's the truth. The truth subjectively, anyway. If that's possible.

Life doesn't really, truly suck. It does sometimes, late at night when I'm lonely and tired and feeling particularly broken-hearted. But other times it's wonderful, like when I'm on a ferry with Lily and the wind is buffeting our hair into our faces and there are orcas near the shoreline. Or when I'm laughing with Rose at Saturday Market, eating too much kettle corn and people-watching. And, of course, when I'm sitting in Ashleigh's kitchen with her and Megan, drinking wine and sake and eating Doritos. I'll be honest, a lot of the good times have involved food and/or drink, which is apt, considering I'm a huge comfort eater. And there are moments when I walk through Northeast Portland and breathe the cool, damp air and remember that I'm in my favorite city in the world, and I never have to leave if I don't want to.

And of course there are entire days when I feel so depressed I don't want to get out of bed, so I don't. There's the fact that I'm steadily and quickly running out of money, I'm jobless and carless, and terrified that I won't be able to find work and an apartment and make a life here for myself. I'm so lonely sometimes. And I miss Greg every day.

But when I feel overwhelmed by all of those negative thoughts, I remind myself why I'm here, and why that other life wasn't good or happy or right. I know that I'm doing what I have to do. Now I can live the life I want, 100%, all for myself, and that comforts me. Because #yolo.

Change

I'm sorry for the extended absence, and lack of updates regarding the 30 Day Shred. A lot of things have been happening. Last Monday Greg and I broke up, and the next afternoon my dad flew in from Phoenix and helped me drive up to Portland. We arrived at my friend Ashleigh's house around 7:30am Wednesday morning, and here I am.

Everything happened so fast that I'm still processing it. I'm happy to be back in Portland, but it's been extremely hard. I'm so, so sad. Incredibly sad. I don't want to go into details but Greg's and my lives just weren't syncing up anymore, and while I know this was the right thing to do, I feel like a shell of myself. Part of my being has been pulled out of me, leaving a gaping, angry red wound, and I'm left trying to hold myself together and alive. I don't feel whole right now. Who knows how long it will take to feel myself again, but at least I know it will happen eventually. I just have to be patient and be good to myself and take everything one day at a time.

And now I think I'll stop before I make myself cry. Just wanted to update you all.

Fail Better

Dress: F21, necklace: H&M, glasses: Ray-Ban

Very quick "outfit" post. My mom bought this dress for me while we were out shopping over the weekend. She came to visit for five days, and it was so good to see her and hang out! We went shopping, drove to Antelope Island, and had the most amazing dinner at Eva downtown. I miss her already.

Nothing much else to say. I can't tell if I'm depressed, incredibly stressed out, or just sad. But either way things aren't normal. I'm trying to figure it out. I wish I could be more entertaining or funny or upbeat, for myself as much as other people, but I was never good at acting in any way other than what I felt. 

Anyway. I just want to say how much I appreciate those of you who have stuck around, even though my blog can never decide what sort of blog it is, and even though I'm so emotional and moody all the time. (I'm definitely going to look into getting therapy again once I can afford it. Everyone can benefit from an objective viewpoint once in a while.) So thanks, guys, I love you so much. x

Things I've Learned About Publishing

Hey guys, Meg here! I'm blogging to tell you about a few things I've learned in the past year or so while writing, editing, and trying to publish a novel. I found them eye-opening, and maybe you will too! Or maybe not. In that case, I'm sorry this post is so boring for you.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED ABOUT PUBLISHING I GUESS

1. Everything is SUBJECTIVE. 

Okay not literally everything; if you spell words in your manuscript wrong, then you've spelled them wrong no matter who reads it. But it is so important to remember that one person may read your manuscript and absolutely love it, while somebody else may read the very same manuscript and think it's drivel. That's how it goes. For my Masters dissertation, I got an A from one grader and a C from another. They agreed on a B (to Matt's chagrin; thank you Matt!). And then a third grader gave me an A. On the same manuscript.

When it comes to creative things like novel writing, there is no "right" way to do it. Whether or not somebody likes your book is based completely on their own taste. If an agent rejects you (I remind myself regularly), it doesn't necessarily mean that your manuscript is bad. It just means that a) it's not to their taste, b) they didn't fall in love with it enough, c) it doesn't fit anywhere in their list, d) they loved it but already represent a similar book, e) they were in a bad mood that day. Or something else entirely! I have to constantly tell myself that there will be an agent out there who loves my book, I just haven't found her yet. Keep on trucking.

2. Commercial fiction is not literary fiction.

This is important to remember! Especially if you've taken college courses in creative writing, or attended writing workshops. For the most part (well, based on my experience), these are geared towards literary writers. Which to me means boring writers, but in reality means "not genre." What is genre fiction, you ask? Basically all the fun books: Sci fi, fantasy, YA, crime, mystery, romance, etc. Literary writers tend to be more like poets, I find. They focus on the words themselves, crafting perfect sentences, creating beautiful imagery in unique and beautiful ways. Genre writers tend to worry more about plot, characterization, and plot. Plot is important. The writing itself is important, but it's not the same sort of writing that literary people write. You can say "she laughed," "she grimaced," or "he sighed" a whole bunch in your book if you want! You can sell that book, and people will like it! You don't need to hang on your creative writing professor's every word if she's a literary person, and you're a genre person. Realize that you must learn the rules, but you can discard the ones that don't apply to you.

Also, and I learned this the hard way, if you're a genre writer and you take a creative writing course or do a workshop... they might not take you seriously. Which is horrible, and old-fashioned and prejudiced and total bullshit, but it happens! I was told by one of my undergrad workshop profs that I straight-up should not try to get a Masters in creative writing, because people at the graduate level wouldn't take my fantasy writing seriously. Well guess who got a Masters in creative writing, asshole! Don't listen to the negative people, you guys. You just have to find the right environment and the right group of people, and you'll flourish. But beware, there are workshops and programs out there that will treat you as a second-class citizen if you come in brandishing your sci fi/fantasy short stories. As soon as people in one of my workshops found out I wrote fantasy, they started making bad jokes about dragons every day in class. Just a warning.

3. It's okay to write commercial fiction.

It is! I think a lot of people don't regard commercial writers as ~real writers~, but those people are douchenoggins. Also they don't sell as many books. Why? Because commercial writers... wait for it... are more commercial. People buy genre books, and chick lit, and commercial fiction. You can make a living writing commercially. Which is why it's called that! And that is totally okay. If you want to write a beautiful work of art, that's amazing and you should go for it. But if you want to write a fun, tightly-plotted book that will sell, go ahead and do that instead. It's okay!

4. You don't have the be a unique and beautiful snowflake.

I mean, obviously your book should stand on its own legs, and not be a complete rip-off of somebody else's work. However -- and here's something that still baffles me a bit -- it's okay to write something that's super similar to another thing that's out there. I mean, how many books are there about a young dude who goes on a quest to find or destroy some magical item? LIKE A BILLION. And how many books are there about a teenage girl who falls in love with a supernatural hottie? LIKE A BILLION. And they all sell! People like reading books that remind them of books they've already read. I know I do! More babely steampunk werewolves, please!

Agents even like this. I see agents tweeting all the time asking for submissions that remind them of a movie they just watched, or a book they just read and loved. Obviously you don't want to write that very same book or movie with only the names changed, but it's okay to be slightly derivative. Look at the steampunk craze that's happening. They all have automatons and airships and girls in corsets firing pistols at mad scientists, but it's okay! Because steampunk is selling, and agents want to represent books that will sell, so a lot of these books resemble each other closely.

Maybe some people think that's stupid and bad, but I think it's awesome, because it doesn't make me freak out and bash my head repeatedly against the wall trying to come up with a completely and utterly new concept that nobody has ever thought of before in the history of the world. I mean if you dissect the book I'm writing now, it's basically The Affair of the Necklace meets steampunk meets Star Wars meets a tiny bit o' Jane Austen. Which is kind of a weird combo. It's actually so weird I'm worried it won't sell. But who knows? Everything is subjective!

Kind of an Outfit I Guess

Dress and necklace: H&M, glasses: Ray-Ban

I felt like doing a very half-assed outfit post today. I've been wearing black tights and the same black flats every day for weeks, so it's really only the top half that's interesting anyway. I think this is the coolest dress. It's all smock-y and it's covered with skulls and there are buttons down the back -- what's not to love? I got the necklace for free at H&M, for their buy two get one free on sale items deal. I got two sweatshirts as well, for $7 each. Bargain! 

I'm already thinking about my fall wardrobe, and I already know what black ankle boots I'm going to buy when I can afford them. One can never have too many black ankle boots! I have a pair of flat Chelsea style boots, some fur-lined ones with a pretty high heel (for me anyway), and now I want a pair with a mid-heel. Is that a thing? Mid-heel? The more I look at the word, the less sense it makes. Oh well you know what I mean. Anyway I was going to link the boots I want but I can't find them online. That, or they're just ugly in pictures and cute in real life? I DON'T KNOW. Well whatever.

I wish I had more things to say, but I sadly don't. I'm going to shower (I'm covered in gross elliptical sweat), watch Teen Wolf, get some writing done, and then probably go on tumblr for hours looking for pics of Charlie Hunnam in Pacific Rim. Or find a new show to watch on Netflix. I need a new fandom! Any suggestions for shows with multiple seasons out already? And it should probably be speculative (scifi/fantasy), since real life is boring and I need to bump up the Escaping Reality value on my values map that I made yesterday.

Why Not Self-Publish?

This is something a lot of people have asked me about since I started talking about getting my novel published. "Why don't you try self-publishing?" And since I have some strong opinions about this, I figured I'd post about it!

Well, there are several reasons why I'm not going the self-pub route, at least not yet. The first one is simply that there's absolutely no reason to not pursue traditional publication first. No reason. Sure, the process might take a few years longer, and there's 100% more rejection involved, and it's a lot of work, but none of those facts are good reasons to self-publish. At least, not for me. It's been my dream since I was in middle school to write and publish a novel one day, and that dream was always about traditional publication. I want my books to be in Barnes & Noble, on the same shelf as Brandon Sanderson (they totally would be, I checked). And since people are still getting published in the traditional way, I'm putting my lot in with the rest of them. I'm not going to give up on my dream, or accomplish a half-assed version of my dream. I'm going to try as hard as I possibly can to get published the traditional way, whether it's with my currently finished novel, or with another one in the future.

I realize that it's about a billion times harder to get published now than it was in the past. The publishing industry is suffering, and I get that. Agents are only taking on projects that they absolutely adore. Publishers are only taking on books that they think will sell really well. I get it. It's a business. But just because it's hard, doesn't mean I'm going to give up. Since when do people give up on their dreams because the odds are against them? That's just lame, guys! So I'm not letting the shitty state of publishing discourage me. I know I can publish a book, I just have to write the right one, and put a shit-ton of work into editing, finding an agent, and everything else. I'm more than willing to put in that work.

Which brings me to another reason why I'd rather not self-publish. I think it smacks of laziness a lot of the time. I don't mean always. I realize that self-publishing isn't just for lazy people. But, let's be honest -- I think it can be sometimes. There's significantly less rejection involved (i.e. none), and you don't have to wait 6 months for an agent to finish reading your manuscript, and then you don't have to make a billion edits for your agent and then your editor. You can make all the decisions yourself, and then you start making money immediately. You don't have to wait forever for the book to be released, because you have that power. Easy! Right? Yeah, also lame. I feel like if I self-published right now, I'd be taking the lazy, easy way out. Which isn't what I want for my books, my career, or myself. I want to work hard at this, and receive an equal amount of reward.

Another reason I'm not so into the whole idea of self-publishing is because it can get in the way if you want to traditionally publish that book later. If an editor or agent sees that your self-published eBook isn't selling very well, they probably won't be super eager to offer you a book deal. So if I self-publish a book, and then decide later that I'd like to try publishing it the traditional way, the fact that I self-published could be a red flag to publishers. They might think it's a bad book. They might wonder why I self-published in the first place. Am I difficult to work with? Impatient as hell? Unwilling to do the work necessary to get published traditionally? I know not all publishing people are going to react this way, but I've read a lot of articles and interviews, and listened to podcasts that say these are all legitimate concerns. And I don't want to take that chance yet.

Also, I don't trust myself to edit my book. I don't believe I could get it to a place where I feel comfortable selling it, without an agent and an editor looking at it first. I know I could pay somebody to edit for me, but that's something I'd rather not spend money on.

I still think self-publishing is totally legitimate, and definitely a great option for some people, but it's not for me. At least not right now. I just straight-up don't see a reason not to go the traditional route. I may be getting rejection emails every day and I may not ever get this first novel published, but this is a huge learning experience, and I wouldn't change anything about the process. My soul may have been crushed a little, but that comes with the territory. And hey, I'm working on a new novel right now, which I will definitely try to publish when I'm finished with it. I'm not giving up any time soon. My books are going to be on the shelves of Barnes & Noble one day, and I won't stop working toward that dream, damn it!

Oh, hello

Here have this photo of my dog from when he was drugged after a vet visit and I put his sweater over his ears!

Anyway so I've been writing a lot I guess. Pretty much daily. Well, yeah, daily. For a week straight! Let's see how long this lasts! (Forever.) I'm about 14,000 words into this new novel I'm working on, which I'm enjoying a lot more than I thought I would. I was super excited about it at first, and then I got really unexcited, but now I'm excited again. Mostly because it's dialogue-y, and I love dialogue, and I'm having much more fun with the characters and space ship settings than I had predicted. Hurray! My goal is to finish the first draft by this fall, but I'm not sure that will actually happen. Fingers crossed.

In other news, there's not much other news. Greg and I bought an elliptical, which I've been using daily as well. My goals are: elliptical for at least 30 minutes every day, and write at least 250 words every day. I've been reading while I exercise, which makes the time go by pretty quickly, thank god. The worst thing about straight cardio is that it's boring as hell. At least when you do strength stuff you can grunt and be like, "Just... one... MORE!" while doing curls or something. I finished Austenland, which was very fun and cute, and am about halfway through The Shambling Guide to New York City. Loving it. I need something light and funny to read while I do the elliptical (ellipticalize? What's the verb form of elliptical?), otherwise I'd get too distracted by how sweaty I am. Ugh sweat.

Otherwise life is as it always is. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, something to catalyze a change -- either in the world around me, or in myself -- but I don't know what, specifically. I'm probably still getting used to Salt Lake. Will I ever become accustomed to this city? I think, even if it weren't for the overtly religious culture that reigns supreme, I wouldn't like it here. Is there even a culture in SLC, other than LDS? It seems so bland to me, but maybe I've been ruined by Portland and London (the best two cities around, obvs). Also just recently I learned that we're going to have to stay here for a lot longer than I'd expected. 

I don't know. I feel like I don't have an anchor and I'm just sort of drifting forward, letting life happen. And I don't like it. I realized that for basically my entire life, I've been working on something with a goal in mind. I was always in school, or saving up money to move to Portland, or applying to grad schools, or preparing to move to London, or studying and working on my masters degree. I was always waiting for life to happen. And now life is happening, and I'm just like... "Okay? Really? This is life. Well, okay. And when does it start again? Oh, it's... it's already started, you say? Ah. Wow. Okay that's cool I guess."

And it SUCKS, because life is awesome, objectively! In little isolated pockets, it's amazing. Like when I'm hanging out with Greg and we're laughing together. Or when I'm standing on the balcony watching the trees being pummeled by wind and rain. Or when I'm cuddling with my dog, listening to music. But overall it's like these things aren't connecting right, and the great tapestry of Meg's Life hasn't fallen into place yet. 

I'm trying to make it better. I'm being more social, which is always hard for me, even though I crave it. And I'm making an effort to exercise and write, which always makes me feel less like a failure and a useless lump. But... it's just not... there yet?

Shit, I don't know. Maybe I need something big to work towards. Like, hmmm, finishing my second novel?? Publishing my first one? But it doesn't feel like enough. And I don't know what "enough" is. Will I spend the rest of my life feeling like I'm not living it right? That there's something I could be doing to make everything more incredible? Someone tell me how to fix it. Someone tell me what to do.

Life of Late

Dress: Wholesale-dress.net, Necklace: F21, glasses: Ray-Ban

So... hi, I guess? Full disclosure: my mom missed my posts. That's basically the only reason I'm updating, because all the ingredients for a good outfit post are fucking not available, for example: Confidence, cute clothes that I want to wear, good lighting, weather that isn't 100F, outfits that are worth photographing. This was the only photo in all the photos I took that I felt vaguely comfortable with posting. You're welcome, Mom.

I think I've been having a hard time lately. I say "think" because it's sometimes hard to tell, with me. I'm often experiencing some sort of inner turmoil, so it's quite normal that I find myself feeling melancholy, or stressed, or anxious, or any combination of the three. But I still think it's worse lately. I seem to have withdrawn even further into myself ever since I was basically home sick for almost two months, due to hives, and then the flu. I didn't do anything social, really, that whole time, except go to Denver Comic Con right after I got over the flu. Returning to SLC was hard after that, because at DCC I was with Shaun and a couple of her friends who I immediately felt comfortable with, because we're all weirdo introvert (I think?) geeks. And then when I was back here in SLC, I hadn't seen any of my girl friends in weeks... and I don't know, I just didn't make an effort. It's so hard to make an effort to be social with people who aren't on the level of sibling, you know? That's nothing against them; they're awesome people, but I've been shitty at being a friend and if you don't maintain the friendship, you have to start all over again. And I'm so shitty at that. So anyway, I've been feeling isolated and weird and... just off.

Plus I gained a bunch of weight after I quit my elimination diet, which happened while I had the flu. There was nothing in the house I felt like eating after puking my guts out except whole wheat bread, so I ate it. The allergist doesn't think my hives are food related anyway. So yeah, I basically starved myself for 5 days while sick, first because there was almost nothing in the house I could eat, and then because I was just too sick to eat. So when I got better, finally, I just went crazy. I ate whatever the hell I wanted, whenever the hell I wanted, and as much as I wanted. Needless to say my body freaked out and I gained about 5 pounds in a couple weeks. I'm about 7 pounds over my comfortable weight right now, and it's hanging over me. Say what you will about accepting yourself for who you are, gaining weight fucking sucks. Most of my skirts and dresses just straight-up don't fit me, as all my weight goes to my stomach/thighs, and the last thing I want is to document how awful I look, and therefore how awful I feel. I may be wallowing in self-pity, but there it is. I'm trying to eat better but it's hard after a few weeks of basically binging on cookies and carbs, and I feel a bit hopeless and depressed a lot of the time.

I think a lot of my mood has to do with the weather. It's super hot and sunny in SLC, and while most people seem to enjoy such weather, as you know, I hate it. It makes me miss London and Portland even more. And one of my best friends just moved back into Portland (she used to live out in a suburb), and when she told me about walking to a bakery from her new place with her husband, and how she'd cried with joy, I cried too. But not from joy. I feel so awful because my life would be perfect... if we still lived in Portland. I love my boyfriend, my dog, my job, my apartment... and I hate this fucking city. I don't have it in me to move anytime soon (I'm so tired of moving on a yearly basis!), and Greg just got his job, so we'll be here for another couple years I'm sure. But I really don't like it here. It's an awful city, it's the most boring place I've ever been, and I want to get out. Thank god for Greg. He seriously does keep me sane. Although I probably won't be dragging the poor guy to Farmer's Market again any time soon. (And I keep reminding myself that he had to suffer through Portland for a year, so I guess it's my turn to suffer... which kind of makes me feel less bleak and more like a hero, but still.)

My writing is going okay. I've started another novel. Not the steampunk one; that one got put in the "maybe I'll write this later, but probably not" pile. Now I'm working on a space opera with a Louis XIV aesthetic. At least I think that's what's going on. All I know is that the nobles all live on "floating estates," which are basically space stations, because they've abandoned the over-populated and slummy planet that they settled on hundreds of years ago. There's a swordsman and space pirates and balls and murders, so that's exciting. I've written the outline and am trying to write about 1,000 words per day, minimum. It's easy for me if I put my mind to it.

I've also decided to start querying agents again for my first novel. I made some minor revisions, but realized in the long run that the protagonist is how I want her to be, and if it turns out that no agent in the entire world likes her and thinks she'll sell, then okay. I'll self-publish. But until I've queried every agent in the world, or at least in the country, I won't give up. I don't feel like truly giving up yet. So... yeah. Readying myself for more rejections!

Sorry for the very long ramble. My mom said she likes it when I'm genuine, so I thought I'd genuinely spill my guts here for everyone to read. After all, introverts are cool with talking about themselves online, or so I have heard.

Bloglovin'

Yo! Still on hiatus I guess, but I must drop in just to be like, "Hey Google Reader is going away guys! Please follow me on Bloglovin' instead!"

That's all!

My blog on Bloglovin'.

p.s. I've been updating my twitter a lot lately because I've been writing, so follow me there too: @megsauce

Indefinite Hiatus

Just another quick update to let you all know that I still have hives, and I have no idea how long they'll be around. As it is I just don't feel like blogging when I have that hanging over me, not to mention I feel ugly and gross and itchy, which isn't the best state to be in when attempting to take photos that you mean to post on the internet. So yeah, I may be updating here and there, but don't expect anything regular for the indefinite future. So basically I'm going on hiatus and I don't know for how long. Sorry.

Outfit no. 67

Dress and necklace: H&M, belt and jacket: F21, shoes: c/o Blowfish, glasses: Ray-Ban

This is pretty much as springy as I'll get, clothing-wise. I feel like the necklace is even too cute and colorful for me, which makes me wonder what's wrong with me. I'm just hating to wear color lately. I got a super cute springy dress from SwayChic a while back, and I wore it on my birthday, but oh man did it not feel right. It's a great dress, and I'm sure I'll keep wearing it, but it was too... feminine and cute, I guess. And while I love that kind of thing on other girls, and in theory on myself, I just feel like I'm in a costume when I wear it. Which is fine, but annoying as I have rather a lot of cutesy clothes that I don't want to wear. First world problems!

In a similar vein, is it winter yet? I'm already tired of this "summer" business. As much as I love how my skin gets puffy and pink in any weather that isn't 1) cold and 2) dreary, I can't wait for it to be cold again! Sob. I've scheduled a haircut for tomorrow, though, which should bring some relief. I'm thinking of getting a slightly more a-line bob, to keep my hair off my neck in the coming (hotter and hotter) days. Something like Lyzi's adorable new 'do. What do you think?

I'm really excited to go to my writers group tonight, if all works out in favor. We've had to reschedule it the past two times, because first I got hives, and then one of the members had a "house emergency" and couldn't make it. So hopefully this week nobody comes down with a sudden illness or anything! I really need to get back into the writing game. I let it fall by the wayside when I got hives, as I couldn't really concentrate on anything and could only focus on video games and The Walking Dead. They seem to be getting a bit better now, but I'm tapering my Prednisone dose so we'll see when that's all done... fingers crossed!

Outfit no. 66

Shorts and shirt: F21, blazer: H&M, shoes: Chicwish, earrings: Primark, glasses: Ray-Ban

I feel like this outfit is better in person than in photographs, and I will stick to that assertion even if it's wrong! Also I had the camera angle weird and too high, and it makes my legs look even shorter than they normally are, which is pretty short. But guys it's so hot outside that I couldn't be bothered to fix them, or take more, so... here. I'm sorry.

My mom got me these shoes for my birthday, and I love them so much! I'm super liking pointy shoes lately, even though they give me the weird inverted triangle look. Well whatever.

I wish I had more things to say but this weather is making my brain melt. I can do nothing but play video games until the AC cools the apartment off a bit more. Farewell.

Outfit no. 65

Dress: Mod Dolly, Belt and necklace: F21, shoes: Payless, glasses: Ray-Ban

Hello again, so soon! It's nothing too exciting outfit-wise, but I wanted to blog so badly today! And I've been in a good mood all day, as it's my birthday tomorrow and it's Friday and how can you not be happy under such circumstances?

I'm in love with this dress from Mod Dolly, which I got a while back but haven't had a chance to blog about. In fact the first time I wore it was right before I got the hives. Memories... Anyway, I always love a bright red tartan, so this dress is riiiight up my street. It's quite comfy and really well made, and I'll probably be wearing it all summer!

Apologies for the awful face situation. I had just taken Lyall on a walk and then came in to realize he'd pooped on the floor after getting into the garbage and eating an entire cantaloupe rind (how??), and I had to clean it all up before taking photos. Also this morning I was running late and didn't get to do my makeup properly, smudgy eyeliner ftw!

I'm a tattoo whore (?) and always turn my arm out so you can see the TARDIS in photos. Hurr. But look at my neat tattoo guuyyyys! I was thinking about getting another one with my birthday money, but then I realized it would probably be the worst idea ever to stab my skin with ink needles while suffering from hives, so... that idea went out the window. If I did get another tattoo I think it would probably be a lion. For multiple really lame reasons, but yes.

Oh, and I've started eating only "hypoallergenic" food in a sad attempt to discover what's causing the hives! I'm mainly just avoiding common food allergens for now: eggs, peanuts, shellfish, dairy, gluten, soy, chocolate (sob), corn, and basically sticking to fresh veggies and fruit, and weird gluten/allergen free stuff from Whole Foods. Who knows if this will make any difference, but it makes me feel like I'm doing something and taking control of my hivey friends. And hey, almond milk isn't that bad in weird hemp cereal, which is what I'm reduced to eating! Plus all my amazing friends gave me a bunch of ideas for allergen-free cakes I can force Greg to bake for me tomorrow. Hurray! 

Well friends, that's about all for now. Have a lovely weekend! Who knows when I'll be back again. Hopefully soon. 

Still with the hives...

Okay, so it seems I'm not better in a few days after all! I still have hives yaaaayyy! I've been to urgent care twice, and finally an allergist, and I am taking another dose of prednisone, tapering this time, and with a metric fuck-tonne of antihistamines as well, so fingers crossed the hives go away and don't come back. We'll see. It's been a miserable three weeks. I want it to stop.

I feel weird not updating the internet on my every move, so here's a mini update, sans photos, because I suck like that.

1. Greg and I started watching The Walking Dead, finally! I've read a fair amount of the comics, but stopped before I left for England and haven't read any more since. So I need to catch up on those. But the show is really great too! Different, but great. I love Darryl, who isn't even in the comic, which makes sense as I hated all the characters in the comic. The stress of watching the show is a great way to distract myself from the misery of a body covered in hives.

2. I discovered an amazing thing recently: Benefit mascara. I got a sample of their mascara and highlighter (which I won't use) from Sephora for my birthday (which is on Saturday!!), and OH MY GOD. I'd been using that stupid Maybelline stuff for yeaaarrs because I'm clueless about makeup and didn't know what else to use, but oh my god. This stuff is amazing. I feel like a commercial, but I'm genuinely like, "how did I not realize my eyelashes could be this long and amazing" every time I put it on. Also it's sooooo waterproof. You guys, expensive makeup is the shit.

3. Also eye primer??? My eyeliner doesn't smudge anymore!!! WHY DID NOBODY ALERT ME.

4. Game of Thrones. Enough said.

5. I'm playing through Dragon Age 2 for the 4th time and loving it. It's another one of the few things that can successfully distract me from my hive misery. Hawke I love you bro. I love you so much.

That's pretty much it in terms of my entire life. Yeah I haven't done anything for a while, due to the fact I've been covered in itchy red welts for almost a month. Hurray! Not sure when I'll be here again, but hopefully soon, because fuck these hives.

Tiny Update

Hello! Just a quick update to let you all know that it seems I've taken a bit of an involuntary break from blogging, and I won't be back for a few days still. Last week I had a bad allergic reaction to... something, and had to go to the doctor for some oral steroids. And now I'm super bloated and grumpy and brimming with roid rage, so until that's all gone, I'm afraid I won't be in any state to pose and look cute in outfit photos.

I am always on Twitter and Instagram, though, if you want to follow the ups and downs of my horrible roid rage! x

Summer Wishlist

1. Juicy Couture sun hat
2. Forever 21 belt
3. Minkpink babydoll dress
4. NARS Satin Lip Pencil in Lodhi
5. Forever 21 necklace
6. Aldo flats

I don't do wishlists really, but I've had my eye on a few things for summer and since I couldn't be bothered to do outfit photos today, here is my cop-out wishlist post instead! Hurray! My birthday's coming up as well, hint hint, not really since none of you are within the group of people who will actually buy me presents for my birthday. Shameless birthday plug. This post has become embarrassing. The end!!

Outfit no. 64

Dress: c/o eShakti, jacket: River Island, belt: New Look, hat: H&M, boots: Aldo, earrings and necklace: F21, glasses: Ray-Ban

It's been snowing in Salt Lake. I can't decide if this excites or confuses me. It doesn't particularly annoy me, as it's a million times better than sunshine and warmth, but I do feel as though the weather had its chance to be snowy, and now it ought to focus on April showers. Even so, can't really complain; I get to keep wearing tights and warm jackets so I'm happy!

So this dress is amazing. It has a bloody duck print, guys. It was sent to me by eShakti, an online clothes shop I'd heard about before, but had never really looked into. And um you guys, they are super amazing. Their dresses are a bit expensive for me (so yay free sample to review!), but they cover a wide spectrum of sizes and -- this is the best bit -- you can have them customized to fit your body, and your taste! Which I find awesome, as often I hesitate to buy clothes online because I'm worried they won't fit. Before I had this dress customized for me, it was a below-the-knee length, and sleeveless. I had it customized to add short sleeves, and shorten the length as well. And it turned out splendidly. If I ever have to buy a nice dress for a special occasion in the future, I'll defo keep these guys in mind, as the dress fits, and it's pretty high quality. Yay duck dress!

And now I'm off to work on the outline of my new novel. Which is already over 4,000 words and it's only about halfway done. Oh dear.

Journey to Publication! Part 4: Moving On

Hello all, I know it's been a while since I did one of these posts! I felt it wasn't quite right, as nothing was really happening on that front. I'd been sending out regular batches of queries up until a couple weeks ago, but it started to feel... not right. There are 4 agents right now who've requested to read material, one of them the full manuscript, and that's wonderful. I am still hoping for a positive reply or two... but I'm not focusing on it. I'm moving on. I'm not giving up, but I'm focusing my energy elsewhere.

And here's why. I was starting to look at things the wrong way. As a writer I should be writing, and instead I was sending out queries one day a week, and spending the rest of my week refreshing my email in the hope that I'd hear back from an agent. The rejections became easier and easier, until I got to the point where a form rejection of my query didn't bother me at all. I recently received a pass from an agent after reading the first 50 pages of my novel, and it sucked, but it didn't suck for very long and it was fine. So my skin got thicker. But I was still focusing on it, and every time I didn't get an offer of representation, I felt just a little more like I wasn't doing the right thing.

Here's the thing. I love my novel. I think it's great. If I didn't, I wouldn't be sending queries to agents, would I? I do think it has a place in the market right now, and I think it has an audience. But I'm not sure it's exactly where it needs to be yet.

I know this is the novel I wanted to write. The characters, the story, some of the silly moments that I put there just for me... it's exactly how I want it, for now. I'm so proud of myself for writing it. But I don't know if it's ready, or if it's 100% the best it can be. And I'm not at the point right now where I can focus on that, because I'm actually starting to go mad thinking about it, and there is only so much feedback you can hear, so much differing and contradictory feedback, before you start questioning everything.

So I'm taking a break from sending queries. I'm not giving up by any means. I believe in my novel, and I believe it can get published, but I'm not in the right headspace right now to be putting all my energy toward that. I need to be writing, and improving, and learning. And above all, having fun. Because that's why I love to write after all -- it's fun. I love it! And the situation with my novel, where I wasn't writing but just sitting and waiting... wasn't fun at all. It was driving me fucking bonkers.

I had a talk with Greg the other night. He basically told me, Meg, what the fuck are you doing? You love to write. I have a good job and I pay for the great majority of things and you only work part time so you can write. Why aren't you writing? And I thought, why aren't I writing? So I made a lot of excuses, and I cried, but Greg was having none of it. "Just suck it up and write."

Then something clicked. It always has to click with me or I won't do it, I won't listen to advice, I won't make a change unless something clicks. And it did. I realized, not that I should be writing, but I want to be writing. I want to be creating and doing the thing that makes me happiest. I don't want to be sitting and waiting and focusing on trying to sell the book I'd already written. I can do that on the side, or in the meantime, or I can do it later. But right now I have to write.

So I'm writing! I'm working on the outline for a new novel, and while it's set in a different world and there are different characters and a different setting, it's very similar in tone. It's a little bit Steampunk meets Indiana Jones meets Jane Austen, and I hope in a good way. I've no idea if it can sell, but I don't care at this point. I know I'm going to have a ton of fun writing it, and really that's the only thing I want to focus on right now.

Outfit no. 63

Skirt and hat: H&M, shirt: F21, blazer: Old Navy (super old), bag: Primark, shoes: c/o GoJane, necklace: Zara, glasses: Ray-Ban

Hello! It's been a few days. In all honesty I just haven't had the inclination to blog, and have been more interested in wallowing in my own self-pity this week. But after a discussion with Greg (aka a lengthy scolding), I've realized that I need to be writing daily, as it's truly what keeps me happy and feeling fulfilled as a person. 

So I've had a bit of a personal breakthrough, and am working on some minor-ish revisions on my novel, and once that's done I'll start querying agents with a vengeance once again. You can only hear so many rejections before you feel like a hack. And yes, there are multiple agents reading my manuscript at the moment, but that doesn't mean they'll love it. It's a very difficult, soul-crushing, terrible business, shopping your novel! Oh well, I'm surviving, and hopefully all of this will lead to something good.

Anyway, outfit! I wore this to go for a latte and a cheeky shop at Fashion Place Mall, because they have a Sephora. I've recently become interested in makeup, which I never was before, and last weekend I spent a ridiculous amount of money on some simple basics at Sephora. Well I decided that I needed to try a couple things from Clinique that I'd been seeing around on blogs and such, so I picked up their Almost Lipstick in Black Honey today, as well as one of their Chubby Sticks for eyes in Ample Amber (although I had to get that at Nordstrom, as they were sold out at Sephora!). I'm in love with both already. I've been trying to find the right everyday lip color, and while I have a few that I love, I feel like they're a bit too crazy for work, so I usually put them on after, or just wear them on the weekends. This Almost Lipstick seems like a pretty good match to what I had in mind for day-to-day lip color, and I'm super excited! I'd do a review of it or something, but I'm such a newcomer to makeup and I fear I'd just muck it up.

What makeup do you guys swear by? Is there a new thing you'd like to try, or are you committed to your look? I'm curious to hear from other girls about their makeup because I'm still like "what the fuck is primer and why do I need it." Honestly what is primer and why do I need it?