I've been in a weird headspace for the past few weeks, as I've been traveling a lot, and the holidays are always good for putting one off-kilter. Which isn't to say it was a bad weird headspace... but weird it was. I've moved almost once every year for the past 3 years, and over the holidays I found myself revisiting every place I lived in before London. Which, admittedly, is only two places... but now I'm in Salt Lake City, and I still have a hard time remembering what the hell city I'm in at any given moment.
Anyway, all that traveling was bizarre psychologically. It brought me back to a city I love, and to a town I love but could never live in again. And it made me think about all the changes and moves and all the things I've done since 2010... and then I had a dream.
It wasn't anything too special -- I just dreamt that I was still in London, and that (just as in real life when I had the dream) it was almost Christmas. But instead of being happy that I was in London in the dream, I was angry and frustrated. I missed Greg and I was frantically trying to find cheap plane tickets so I could fly back to the States to be with him for Christmas. I kept saying, "I'm over London! I'm done with it!" All I wanted was to be with Greg again. Okay yes blah blah it is a sappy dream, but it made me realize something. I may miss London, but I'm happy to be back home, to be with Greg again. I realized I'd go anywhere in the world for Greg. I'd even (god forbid) follow him back to Montana if it came to that (sorry, Montana). It was so nice, though, to have that dream and realize consciously that I'm glad the way things have turned out, and I wouldn't go back to London for anything. Not right now, at least, and not without Greg.
And then I had another tiny epiphany in Vegas, hanging out with Greg and all of his Salt Lake friends for an entire weekend -- I don't want to leave. I kept thinking to myself that I was going to be so sad when I had to move away from all of them... but then realized, wait. I'm not moving away in a year. I can stay as long as I want. I've been so used to making friends in new places with the knowledge that I'll be moving away soon, and it's so relieving suddenly being in a place where I can settle in comfortably and not worry about saying goodbye to people immediately. It's honestly a huge weight off my shoulders, a weight that I didn't realize was so heavy.
It's been an incredible few weeks, but I'm super glad to be home. All I want to do right now is settle back into my routine, write, read, play some video games, and hang out with Greg. I feel doubly contented with life, even if I'm still lonely at times. At least I know that I'm exactly where I want to be. I wouldn't change a goddamn thing, and it feels fucking awesome to be able to say that.
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